Author Archives: Murderati


“Regional” — Oblivion or Jumping Point?

by Pari Noskin Taichert

It’s a sad fact. Readers have chided me for it.

I gripe about being considered a "regional writer."

It might not bother me as much if I lived in a region with a large population — and that population supported its authors. But the Southwest just doesn’t come close to "The South" or "California" or "The East Coast."

So, I sulk.

I’ve been convinced that my series — even with its national nods — hasn’t "hit the big time" because those darn New York editors (and reviewers and bookstore owners) don’t understand that a book written with New Mexico as its focus can still have a broad appeal. Hell, I know it can. My readers come from all over the country, and beyond.

I know for a fact that THE BELEN HITCH was passed over at one NYC house because the publisher already had another Southwestern female protag and the marketing department didn’t believe it could "support" two.

Now, some Southwestern authors have done quite well: Tony Hillerman (Navajo Indians), Michael McGarrity (Western lawman), James Doss (Indians/shamans), Rudolfo Anaya (Hispanic culture). But has it  been overdone?

Or, are editors bound by their own stereotypes about the region?

Who else but me writes about a moderately urban, whipped-cream guzzling, reform Jewish gal with a wicked wit and an unending supply of ambitious clients gung-ho about putting their towns and projects on every travel agent’s and tourist’s map?  Who else ever wrote a mystery set in Clovis, Belen, or Socorro County?

I’m unique, gosh darn it. I’m fresh! I’m, um, regional?

It’s enough to make me scream.

Well, sort of.

Lately I’ve been rethinking my stance. I’ve taken to wearing elegant native New Mexican jewelry. At some conventions or signings, you might even find me sporting a classy red-and-green chile (yes, it’s spelled with an "e" in NM) tie.

You see, it occurred to me that all my grumbling was wasting energy and time. Frankly, if every reader in New Mexico bought my books, I’d be close to that big time success I so crave.

So, writing about New Mexico — being called regional — isn’t bad in itself. It gives me an initial identity.

The question I have is: Will being "regional" doom me to be considered a quaint, "little" writer?

It’s the same kind of question I ask about being published by a smaller house. The University of New Mexico Press has been very good to me; it gave THE CLOVIS INCIDENT a voice when no bigger publisher would even consider it. But, will starting with a small publisher — having limited distribution and endorsement from national book chains, limited attention from national news media — doom me to oblivion as well?

(Lest you think I’m being melodramatic, note that I spoke with a well-known, national reviewer who told me that until my books were published by a big house, she wouldn’t consider looking at them.)

Oh, I don’t know.

My hope is, eventually, that when I’ve written enough Sasha books, a broader audience will actually turn to my work to find out about this region — in the same way people turn to Tony HIllerman to find out about Navajo country.

Until then, I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep getting better at my craft, at storytelling.

Each of my books has brought growth. THE CLOVIS INCIDENT is a great first ride. THE BELEN HITCH is a better written and plotted mystery. THE SOCORRO BLAST, my newly finished manuscript, tackles ethnic profiling and how our paranoia — born of the events of 9/11 — have changed the way we treat each other. (Believe me, it still has humor.)

Book # 4 will take a hard, hot look at the chile pepper industry in southern New Mexico.

Book #5 will explore the culture surrounding alternative energy in my state.

After that, I’ll focus on the role New Mexico plays in the space industry; we’re getting a space port (or the sciences at Los Alamos and Sandia Labs).

Obviously, I have many more Sasha stories to tell.

Will they find a bigger audience? A major publishing house? The big time?

Only time will tell.

No Shit, Sherlock

Jeffrey Cohen

First, you have to understand: writers spend most of their time not writing. That’s why my mind is wandering this way.

I’m not discussing Robert B. Parker, who has 106 series running at once and probably writes in the check out line at Foodtown, or any of those other maniacs who are prolific enough to drive the rest of us to the liquor cabinet. I mean the average, garden-variety author like myself, who spends more time thinking about writing than writing. We’re nice, too.

Don’t worry, this is going somewhere. I’m pretty sure.

So, given that writers spend a good deal of time not writing, and given that we are, by nature, a slovenly, slug-like people (this is a gross generality–there are few grosser), it follows that we spend a good deal of time looking around the walls of the room in which we are, at that moment, not writing. In my case, it would be in my "office," which is supposed to be the dining room of our house, but instead has an imposing dark-wood veneer piece of furniture that doubles as a desk, bookshelf and file cabinet (perhaps that should be "triples as a desk…").

It is the sort of room that would send Martha Stewart into a screaming fit that might result in more jail time, but in which someone like Sherlock Holmes would feel quite at home, assuming that Mrs. Hudson hadn’t been in to clean recently.

It would also serve as a terrific source of information for Holmes, who was fond of looking at the stuff a guy has in his room and making enormous leaps of logic (which were invariably proven correct) based on what he saw.

So: what would Sherlock Holmes make of this room?

Let’s start with a few ground rules. Sherlock has to be a modern-day sleuth in this case, so he’d be familiar with the iMac, the fax machine and the all-in-one copier/printer/scanner/waffle iron that takes up a good deal of shelf space in the room. He’d have to be familiar with the telephone. He wouldn’t be surprised that I have a shredder (recently purchased to make me feel more like an employee of the Nixon Administration) nor would he ask me where my quill pen was kept.

Also, let’s assume for the sake of argument (and my own sanity) that no major crime has been committed in my house. Sherlock’s coming by for late afternoon tea (boy, is he in for a disappointment!) or to attend a seder, so he can see how the Semites celebrate Easter.

What would Sherlock Holmes be able to find out about me by looking around my office?

"Well, to begin, you are clearly a professional musician," he might begin. "Note the case full of music books and the vintage 12-string guitar left out of its case, no doubt for quick access during periods of practice or composition. You have an interest in neurological disorders and historical figures, as is evidenced by the few books on the bookshelves. You are enamored of a particular writer on business topics; you own hardcover editions of many of his books. You have been presented with some sort of entertainment award, are a graduate of Grinnell College in Iowa, have a large number of children aged 11 to 17 who love to read, you exercise regularly, do your own sewing, drink beer in the afternoons while watching baseball games and are planning a trip to Italy."

"Amazing, Holmes! How did you guess?"

"I never guess, Watson." (Apparently, Sherlock has brought his "friend" along with him today, without feeling the need to ask in advance. The matzo ball soup will have to stretch a little.) "It is an appalling habit. I observe, and make deductions based on the observations. For example, the entertainment award, patterened after the ‘Oscar’ (as I believe it is called), is visible on the bookshelf. The Grinnell College connection can be deduced from the t-shirt Mr. Cohen is wearing, emblazoned with the words ‘Grinnell College Alumni Assocation.’ The inordinate number of bibliophile children–at least seven or eight–in the teenage years is evident from the huge piles of Young Adult mystery books on the floor. Exercise is indicated by the large ball used for that purpose that has not been put away because it will be used again soon, and the computer print-out sheets of exercise routines on the sideboard. There is a sewing kit on the same piece of furniture, which indicates Mr. Cohen has done some tailoring recently. He has a New York Yankees bottle opener on his filing cabinet, which indicates the need for a beer–most soft drinks have recloseable tops–and the fact that it has the imprint of the team would indicate a desire to observe their contests. The trip to Italy is indicated by the number of books on Rome and its environs on the shelves."

"Is there more, Holmes?" Watson loves to ask such questions, lap dog that he is.

"Of course, Watson. Those were only the most obvious observations. I can also tell you that Mr. Cohen owns a dog, is an observant Hebrew, prefers books on cassette to printed volumes, is devoted to the latest in technology, and has a considerable ego, as is evidenced by the large crate with a dog bed inside, the local newspaper issued by a Jewish organization, to which he must subscribe, the number of books on cassette versus the smaller number of hardcover books, the many cables and wires for technological devices, and the many likenesses of himself in the room. A man’s study, Watson, is the best place to determine his true character."

All of which would be true, except for the fact that Sherlock just got it all wrong. Except for the dog. I do have a dog.

I keep a guitar and many music books in my office, because I’ll often grab it and start to play something as a way to put off writing. I am anything but a professional musician. I have works about history and neurological disorders in my office because I have had to look up details about history for an article recently, and because my son was born with a neurological disorder, a subject on which I write quite a bit. It ain’t pleasure reading, believe me.

My shelves are, indeed, lined with a good number of books on business affairs by one author. They’re in hardcover, too. That’s because I wrote them. I do some ghostwriting to pay the bills, and the author (you wouldn’t recognize the name) is a frequent client. Best to keep those handy.

The "entertainment award" was given to me in college, when I directed (if you want to call it that) a student film. It was a joke (as was the film). The Grinnell College t-shirt? I wear it because it was too big on my wife, who is a graduate. I went to Rutgers, and although I have a shirt with the logo on it, I never wear it. It’s too clingy.

Young adult mysteries are, in fact, taking over my office. I have at least 50 of them there. I have to read them all, because a friend asked me to. It’s a long story (and an exceedingly dull one, which is why I’m not telling it here). My kids are, indeed, between the ages of 13 and 17, but there are only two of them. They’re 13 and 17. And while they love to read, YA mysteries are their 15th preference after many, many other choices. Some genes aren’t passed along.

The exercise equipment? A promise to myself that I’ve been ignoring for quite some time. If Holmes were looking closely at me, and not my t-shirt (the man is a bit perverse), he’d quickly see that I’m clearly not a frequent exerciser. More’s the pity.

An exercise ball does sit in my office; it’s presence, and many of his other observations, can be attributed to one personality trait that Holmes didn’t mention: I’m a slob. I can’t sew; my wife left the sewing kit out weeks ago and I never put it away where it belongs. The bottle opener? My brother gave it to me last December. (When you use it to open a bottle, it actually plays a recording of John Sterling, the radio voice of the Yankees, just to remind fans what an embarrassment John Sterling is.) Ought to get to putting that away any time now. The books on Rome? We went to Italy (and came back) in June. Yeah, need to find a place for those, okay.

Jewish newspaper? They keep sending it. I don’t remember asking. I never read it. (One can only assume Holmes was kidding with that "observant Hebrew" crack.) Really should put that on the recycling pile, now, shouldn’t I? Books on cassette? Those belong to my wife. We have some subscription; it’s like Netflix, but for books on tape. Cables and wires? I often look at those, wondering what they’re supposed to be attached to, and why.

There are photographs in the room, and I’m in some of them. Mostly by accident. They’re of my wife and children, for the most part. There is one pen-and-ink drawing of me, done by a friend a few lifetimes ago when I worked in a real office. I keep it because, well, I think if someone goes to the trouble to do a drawing of you, the least you can do is keep it. It used to sit next to a framed certificate declaring me a member of the crew of the Starship Enterprise, signed by Gene Roddenberry (whom I had interviewed for a video trade magazine) and James T. Kirk. I meant to keep that forever, too–you should always hang onto a certificate signed by a fictional character–but dropped the frame it was in, and it broke. I’m sure the certificate is around here somewhere. Got to wonder what Holmes would have made of that.

So, it’s possible to observe, and immediately deduce inaccurate information. This is to be kept in mind while writing mysteries–proof has to be more than a guess–sorry, Holmes–based on an observation. Indeed, looking around a person’s home/office and making judgments about them is best left as a playful exercise meant not to come to meaningful conclusions, but merely to kill some time.

Like I just did. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes.

ON THE BUBBLE WITH JOHN HART

SUCH STUFF AS DREAMS ARE MADE ON. ..

Yeah, yeah…so I’m borrowing from Will – but I don’t think he’d mind all that much.  I’ll bet he’d agree it fits John Hart.  I mean, when is the last time you saw Pat Conroy blurb a writer?  "The King of Lies moves and reads like a book on fire…an amazing new talent."  And Janet Maslin? "There hasn’t been a thriller as showily literate as The King of Lies…since Scott Turow came along."  And then there are raves from Entertainment Weekly, People Magazine gave him 3.5 stars out of 4!  Even Barnes & Noble said – "Scott Turow meets William Faulkner.  This amazing first effort by a former trial lawyer, John Hart, augurs a brilliant writing career-a relentless pace, emotionally gripping, and a beautifully written saga of a doomed family in a small southern city."  And then, of course, starred reviews from Booklist, Publishers Weekly, Library Journal and Bookpage.  Well, actually, that’s not all…but I have to save room for the interview, right?  But – I would be remiss not to tell you that John’s book has been selected as an Editor’s Pick by The Mystery Guild, a Featured Alternate by the Doubleday Book Club, the Book-of-the-Month Club, the Literary Guild and Smart Readers Rewards.

Pretty heady stuff, huh?  How many debut writers would kill to have this said about their first book?  Debut, hell!  How many writers period!  But seriously, don’t hate the guy.  He has a lovely wife and two daughters, and loves dogs! Besides, he has a very charming soft southern drawl that just makes one…well, I’m happily married… but still…  And did I mention a great sense of humor?

Come meet John Hart!

EE:  So, John – now that you’ve joined the firm of Grisham, Turow, Margolin & Schaffer – are you going to throw away that sign you had in your office?  You know the one I mean – that Shakespeare ditty from King Henry VI – ‘The first thing to do is to kill all the lawyers."?

JH:  Kill all the lawyers?  Who would buy my books?  Actually, I’m pretty proud to be a lawyer.  Believe it or not, it’s a great community.  Shared experiences.  Similar war stories.  It’s funny, The King of Lies doesn’t really paint lawyers with a kind of stroke, yet some of my most outspoken fans are attorneys.  Quite a few of them have gone out of their way to say that I nailed it.  Of course, they’re referring mainly to criminal district court, which is a strange beast…you really have to see it to believe it.  So, I’m still active in the bar.  At the same time, I can’t say that I miss the practice.  But I need to be careful.  If book two blows up on me, I might be asking one of them for a job.

Attention to all lawyers in the audience!  Don’t hold your breath waiting for John to send in his resume.  It ain’t gonna happen.  He’s locked into a contract with the above mentioned firm.

EE:  Talk is, John – and I’ve got this from impeccable sources – that Mick Jagger said you could go along with the Stones on their new tour, but you had to pay your own way – so you wrote The King of Lies to finance it.  Care to comment? 

JH:  That’s right.  After I left the law, I ended up working for a major Wall Street firm, where I consulted on a billion dollars of other people’s money.  The pay was unacceptable, so I went for the sure fire route of the thriller writer.  Easy money.  Guaranteed.  So far I’ve earned enough to wave at the bus as is screams past my hometown on the interstate.  But by the time the paperback comes out, I should own a squeegee: and I think that will put me over the top.

Uh, in that case…I wouldn’t worry about hangin’ with Mick just yet.  Maybe next year?

EE:  Gosh, after learning you won’t be going on tour with the guys, I almost hate to ask you about that ’61 Corvette.  I mean, you must be pretty down about now, and I don’t mean to rub salt in the wound, but…

JH:  That was a dark day.  Candy-apple red, matching numbers, completely restored…and it flamed out on the side of the interstate after a freak accident.  Melted to the frame.  Backed traffic up all the way to Chapel Hill.  I remember running down the shoulder and wondering, "Should I dive?"  I guess cars don’t really blow up when they burn.  Hollywood got that one wrong.  I do have two hub caps, though, if anyone needs really expensive ash trays.

Ohhh…I really do hate myself now for asking.

EE:  So John – rumors are rampant (I just love that term) around the Sundanceville that Robert Redford wants to play the role of Work Pickens but you turned him down because his face is too weathered.  John!!  You turned REDFORD DOWN???  Oh…I’m wilting here.

JH:  I didn’t say that his ‘face’ was too weathered.  I said his ‘ass’ was too weathered.  I mean, come on, his face is perfect.

His what?  Wait a minute.  Work Pickens doesn’t strip in the book!  So who the hell cares about… Well, anyway, you’re right about the face.  He’s still to die over.  I remember the day I met him.  Stop laughing.  I really did.  It was…nevermind, my husband might be reading this.  I’ll tell you all about it at Thrillerfest.

EE:  Tess Gerritsen is gonna get a kick out of hearing you left med school when you decided you couldn’t do a cross-section of a cadavers penis.  Bet you’re glad though, huh?  I mean, you might have become a famous surgeon instead of a best seller. What a bummer that would have been.

JH:  Actually, it wasn’t med school.  It was pre-med in undergrad.  But still, the same rule applies.  Any job requiring me to saw off a man’s Johnson, be he dead or alive, just wasn’t in the cards.  There is probably something dark and easily interpreted in that fact, either a metaphor or some quirk of mind that I would hide from most shrinks; but there it is.  And my entire family history is built on medicine.  A doctor father? Check.  A doctor grandfather who was surgery chief at Duke? Check.  Aunts and Uncles that could deliver babies, remove tumors and make you better than you were before (think Steve Austin)?  Check.  I don’t blame people like Tess for taking up writing.  Tumors? Growths? Toenail fungus?  No thanks.   

But then again.  Murderers, rapist, child molesters?  I guess lawyers can’t talk.  Bottom line, writing novels is pretty cool.  Doing stuff like this is alright, too.

Good thing you didn’t see Tess’s mock autopsy at ThrillerFest!  I covered my eyes during most of it!  But look at it this way – you gave up toenail fungus to catch bad guys. You could say there is some sort of trade off here, couldn’t you?   

EE:  How’s your wife Katie handling all those women lining up at your book signings?  You know what I mean (wink wink)…the Picken’s Chicks?  I’ve been told the fan club is growing so fast, they’ve had to incorporate.

JH:  E, my friend, if you saw my wife you would never ask that question.  Suffice it to say that I consider myself a lucky man.

Ah, spoken like a truly smitten man.  I love that in a guy.  Really, I do.

EE:  Okay, let’s get serious now John!  This thing you have with beer and bacon for breakfast just has to stop.  I mean, I know you Southerners have a different idea of healthy food groups, but really – this combo just won’t jump start your writing day.

JH:  No, no, no.  Beer and bacon is for dinner.  You could never get through th day on that, especially not on the grueling schedule of a full-time writer.  Why, I must sit perfectly still for as long as five or six hours a day.  And then there’s the email, and the afternoon massage.  And let’s not forget the need to sign all those royalty checks. I don’t know how it works for you, but I get a single check for each book sold.  Why, just last week, I must have cashed seven or eight.  And two people wanted autographs.  Two!  I mean, come on.  There needs to be limits.  I need at least ninety minutes for a nap.  Two hours for coffee at Starbucks.  Then there are the groupies.  They have to be dealt with.  My five year old has a school teacher right?  And she asked me to sign a permission form for a field trip.  Come on.  Permission form?  We all know what that really means.  So I told her I was married, and that seemed to handle the problem.  Now the principal is there every day when I come for my baby girl.  I guess that teacher needs the moral support, you know?  Just to keep her within limits.  So, no, beer and bacon just won’t cut it for breakfast.  I generally stick with bourbon and grits.

Royalty checks?  You know some royals and they send you money?  But, yeah…I can see how hard your days are.  Whew.  Glad I don’t have your problems!  But, uh…John?  I’d love to meet some of your royal friends.  Maybe we could get together for breakfast?  I’m good with the bourbon…but could we nix the grits?

EE:  Talk around Lawyerville, John – is that you’ve broken the cardinal rule of ‘telling it like it is’ – and the boys and girls are gathering on the footsteps of court houses all over the country getting ready to march.  How are you going to handle this?

JH:  Are you kidding?  The lawyers are rallying to my banner like I was William Wallace.  Now there’s talk of forming some kind of professional group, like a bar, maybe.  A state bar.  And a national version, too.  The American Bar Group, maybe.  Frankly, we’ve had enough.  We want reasonable compensation for reasonable work.  You win a case, and then get one third of a million dollar verdict?  That’s less than four hundred thousand dollars, which is just unacceptable for a hard week’s work.  We demand more, and we’re going to get it!

Kidding?  Me?  Get serious.  Listen Braveheart, I’ll run the bar, you take care of the dough problem, okay?  We can make this thing work.  Just don’t call me Kitty. 

EE:  Oh, John!  I just got a call from one of your neighbors.  Did you give my number?  She’s in a snit and wants me to talk to you about your singing when you’re out on your hammock.  She thinks it’s unseemly for a best selling author of your stature to be singing all those songs from Mary Poppins – and wants you to cool it.  It doesn’t look good for the neighborhood.  What do you want me to tell her?  She’s on hold…

JH:  Now you’ve hit the nail on the ugly side.  Mary freakin’ Poppins, that good for nothing, nineteenth century London trollop!  I don’t care if a spoonful of sugar does help the medicine go down.  She needs to chill out, have a bad hair day.  Something.  She’s right up there with Shirley Temple and Cinderella.  And don’t get me started on Ariel, Sleeping Beauty or that tramp Jasmine.  I can’t get these songs out of my head.  I feel like Jack Nicholson trapped in a long, dark winter.  God knows what my next novel is going to look like.  But I love my girls, you see, and they LOOOOOVE these songs.  It makes me understand Prosac, alcoholism and vasectomies.  Actually, not the vasectomy part.  But the rest of it for sure.  I have, quite literally, caught myself driving, alone and and singing, "So This Is Love" from Cinderella.  When the bass pumping low rider pulled up next to me, I thought I’d hit new lows.  Then the hot college girls pulled up at the next light.  It’s not cool.  Trust me.

Uh, John?  You want me to tell her all that?  Can I leave ‘Mary freakin’ Poppins’ out?  Maybe the trollop description too?  I mean, they like you now, and think you’re cool, but?   This might backfire, you know?  Tell you what, I’ll just say…well, I’ll think of something.

EE:  Okay, here’s a tough one.  What’s your Walter Mitty dream?  I ask every guest that – and you’re not off the hook.

JH:  This one is simple, and no BS.  I’d be a search and rescue helicopter pilot.  Those guys are just bad-ass.  Can there be a better job?  I doubt it.

And no BS from me either on this one.  That’s admirable.  And you’re right. True hero’s.

EE:  So, John – which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at next year’s Bouchercon or ThrillerFest?

JH:  Any of the authors who blurbed my book.  It’s such a decent thing for an established writer to do for a new guy.  I would listen to their stories, I would thank them profusely, and I would stand them to drinks from dusk until dawn.

That’s very nice.  But, uh…I thought maybe you might say…well, I was hoping…  Gosh, maybe I’ll wave as I pass by, okay?  I mean, I wouldn’t want to barge in or anything.

EE:  Okay, now that I know you’re not fooling around with choppers or sailing small boats across oceans anymore – so what would you be doing if you were not writing?

JH:  That’s easy.  I would be hating whatever job I happened to have.  This whole writing thing may go nowhere, but, damn, I love it.

Get a grip here, John.  Face facts – you’re in it for the duration.  Get used to it.

EE:  Besides Katie – who would you love to be on a deserted island with?

JH:  My dog, Tom, who makes me laugh and would probably taste like chicken.

Very funny.  What a sense of humor you have. I tell everyone I know that.  He’s kidding, folks.  Honest.  He. Doesn’t. Mean A. Word. Of. It.  Really. Really.  Really.

EE:  Rumors are running amok that residents of Salisbury, North Carolina are talking about erecting a statue of you in Hurley Park, but you’ve declined the honor because they want you to wear a baseball cap backwards.

JH:  No, E.  This one you truly misunderstood.  You see, the book is set in my hometown of Salisbury.  The folks who live there don’t want to erect a statue with my hat on backwards.  There’s your confusion.  They want to stand me up and kick my ass backwards.  Big difference.

Oh, now I get it.  Guess that’s what the mayor was trying to tell me.  We had a bad connection.  Poor man was shouting so damn much I thought…well, thanks for setting me straight.

And many, many thanks to you, John – for being such a grand guest, not a pain in the ass, at all…I mean, none of my guests are, you understand…but then…as I often say…I only know the best people and the finest writers.  None of it has rubbed off on me yet, but hey – I’m working on it.  And might I also add – congratulations for a stunning debut – and may the writing gods stay with you.  Oh, if you happen to chat with one of them…mention I’m still on hold, okay?  My ear is getting sore.

The Inspiration of Ozymandias

JT Ellison

Ozymandias

by Percy Bysshe Shelley

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command

Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And the pedestal these words appear:
‘My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Whew. Shelley just does it for me.

Sometimes I forget that my first love growing up was poetry.
Though I had dual majors in college, I was an English Lit major at heart.
Politics was fun, and stimulating, and, well, practical. But I reveled in the
literature coursework. Who wouldn’t – homework consisted of reading. Poetry,
the classics – my battered, dog-earned, written upon Norton’s Anthology of
English Literature was my most prized possession. It still is.

It all started with Tennyson. Alfred Lord, to be exact. Who
wouldn’t love the imagery, the absolute desolation of his powerful words?

When I was a little girl, I used to sneak into my parent’s
bookshelf and read. One of the first things I discovered was my mom’s book of
poetry. I sat on the floor on the other side of their bed, the door to the hall
half closed, blocking me from sight. I was a sneak thief, stealing little
moments of influence.

It was early on when I discovered it. The work so
compelling, so overwhelming that I snuck in the bedroom as often as I could to
read it again and again.

A fragment of a poem, bristling with promise, the glory its
very succinctness. The Eagle.

He clasps the crags with crooked hands;
Close to
the sun in lonely lands,
Ringed with the azure world, he stands.

The wrinkled sea beneath him crawls:
He watches from
his mountain walls,
And like a thunderbolt, he falls.

Sigh. What is it about this piece that devastates me so?
I’ve never really been able to put my finger on the why. But it opened the door
to who I am today. As a little girl, something in my very core shifted the day
I read this poem. I wanted to do that. I wanted to find a way to devastate a
reader. I wanted to create the words that would blow some other little girl
away. It was an epiphany. I started writing.

My parents, of course, knew I was rooting around in their
world. They never dissuaded me, only encouraged me. I think it tickled them,
their towheaded tomboy in love with words. I read everything I could, tried my
hand at writing. Found a vocation. An all-consuming vacuum to get lost in,
over, and over, and over. Words.

Quick fast forward through college. I tried my hand at the
B-school, but did horribly. The only class I succeeded in that year was
English. So I, ahem, transferred schools. But I had to take a semester off, so
I worked on a political campaign. Got bit by another bug. When I enrolled at Randolph-Macon
Woman’s College, I declared two majors, Politics and English Lit. The politics
was fun for a long time, but my romantic soul got too disillusioned to continue
in the field. Where did that leave me? Well, Norton’s Anthology was on the
bookshelf.

Not to give anything away, but ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS has some
of my favorite poems on the pages. Just not the way you’d imagine.

Where did all this come from, you ask? Today’s Writer’s
Almanac had the poem Ozymandias, by Percy Bysshe Shelley. Good
old Percy. Loved him. Loved Ozymandias. It made me remember the moment
in college when I read it and felt that same tingle of devastation that I’d had
so many years before when I read The Eagle. Sometimes, a short piece of
art is just as good as an ode, you know?

I read Oz today, and my heart filled up with that
indescribable love again. I forget my roots too often. I labor over my words
when I should read the Romantics – learn how to write, how to reach, how to
influence all over again.

Thanks for indulging my trip down memory lane. I think
Norton and I have a date. 

So tell me, what was your inspiration? Can you trace it to a moment in time?

Wine of the Week — For all you romantics out there —

Castello Banfi Brunello di Montalcino Poggio all’Oro Riserva 1999

Just saying it is sexy, the wine itself is outstanding. Decant and let it breathe for at least 30 minutes.

I’ve been hopelessly discriminatory when it comes to you
white wine lovers. I’m sorry about that – white wine gives me migraines, so I
avoid it outside of baking. So, in an attempt to be fair, I will be adding a
White Wine of the Week – just realize that it’s not MY taste buds guiding the
selection, rather the taste buds and tasting menu of someone I trust.

White Wine of the Week —

Quinta da Aveleda – Aveleda Vihno Verde (Portugal)

LATE BREAKING NEWS — SPINETINGLER IS LIVE

Click on the link to see this great new issue, including my short story KILLING CAROL ANN.

Night Courting

While we were in New York last year, Julie told me about night court. I remembered the sitcom from the 80’s, but that was about it. Well, NYC has a night court. Under state law, anyone arrested has to be arraigned within 24 hours of an arrest and that has to be open to the public. Because the courts are so busy, they have to run a night court. So Julie and I went.

We took a trip down to 100 Center St and told the cops on duty we were there for night court. They looked at us the way you would expect, but waved us through. We found the little courtroom and took a seat. Not surprisingly, there weren’t many people in the public gallery, just a handful of loved ones and the accused having been released on their own recognizance waiting for their “Notice to appear" paperwork.

I was a little uncomfortable being there. I felt like a voyeur to somebody’s downfall. It made me wonder who the hell attends trials for fun, anyway.

The operation was very slick. A bevy of public defenders sat on one side of the courtroom, while the assistant DAs sat on the other. The accused sat in an L-shaped holding area in one corner. A glass-sided confession-style box was provided where the accused could meet with a public defender for a little privacy—and not so private when the public defender failed to close the door and everyone listened to a hooker revealing her arrest.

Things moved relatively quickly. Names were called. The accused stood with their lawyer while the people explained the case and the defense tried to explain it away. The judge considered the two sides of the story and decided on a course of action. The judge was a lot of fun. She liked to give both the defense and prosecution a slap now and again when they stepped out of line. Great sound bites included:

"Thank you for telling me how to do my job." This was said to a particularly annoying public defender.

"And next time bring me a case with an actual crime involved," which was said to an assistant DA.

The majority of arraignments weren’t much to write home about. Most fell into the realms of drug possession or DUI. But there were a couple of things to tickle the fancy. A very sorry looking white guy was brought in—definitely not the pothead type. He was doubly unusual as he was the only one with a hired lawyer. I was eager to know his crime. It turned out that he’d attacked his girlfriend with a couch.  Yes, a couch. Only in New York, right? His lawyer waxed lyrical about his family of good standing and the yacht club where he worked, etc. The prosecution wanted him held over, but the judge let him go without bail. On the way out, his father, a rather well to do guy, told his son to sort his shit out and there were other ways of solving his problems. The other interesting case involved a huge, scary-looking guy brought in on a warrant. Though handcuffed, he was very nice to the two officers who’d brought him in—apparently he’d forgotten to pay the second of two fines for letting his dogs off without a leash. This disappointed Julie and me, as we’d had a pool going as to what this guy had done. Was he a drug dealer? A killer? Reckless pet owner failed to make the top 50.

Sadly, respect for the law wasn’t always too forthcoming. On several occasions we listened to people leaving the courtroom saying something like, "Fuck this shit" or "Let’s get the fuck out of here." This came from both cops and the accused and they weren’t quiet about it either. You don’t even get that on Judge Judy!

After a while, night court got a little stale. Regardless of your point of view, it was depressing to see the people charged with the same thing and even more depressing that they were almost all minorities. The situation certainly screamed out for attention. Also, I didn’t see law or justice in action—just bartering. The prosecution would ask for bail to be set at a zillion dollars and the death penalty and the public defender would churn out a bunch of unrelated crap and ask for the charges to be dropped and a Happy Meal for everyone. The judge would wave the death penalty/Happy Meal scenario and pick something in the middle. Right and wrong seemed to have little to do with the proceedings.

The more I look at the law and order machine in motion, I know it’s not for me. Having had the opportunity to tour the inside of a prison, see a courtroom, and even testify in court, I never want to get myself on the wrong side of the law. It’s too depressing for words.

Yours unarraigned,
Simon Wood

Money Book

NAOMI HIRAHARA

Before I became a published novelist, I only bought one hardback novel a year.

I’ve always been a trade paperback kind of girl. I like to devour books, take them into the bath (and yes, sometimes even the shower) with me. I’m rough with books.

And there’s always the matter of money. I had little and still continue to have little–if I don’t count my sweet husband’s salary. The library is wonderful–but only one thing, I’m also a little absent-minded. So those fines add up, so it just makes sense to buy paperbacks.

But then I got published, and suddenly my hardback fiction collection exponentially grew. Suddenly I had all these colleagues and friends who were also published, and most of them were getting published in hardback.

My husband has watched helplessly as our living room china cabinet that we use as a bookshelf has continued to get filled with hardbacks. But let me tell you, he’s doing his share with all his sports books (he’s a roundball fanatic–he probably has every biography ever published on an American basketball coach).

Anyway, now I have a bunch of hardbacks, autographed and personalized at that. But I tell myself they are all an investment. I’ve suddenly become a book collector.

I know what you’re thinking. Naomi, personalized books are not as valuable as just autographed books. But again, it all depends who they are signed to–stranger, friend, or colleague. These signatures will tell a story of the relationship between one writer and another.

For instance, why did S.J. Rozan draw a basketball in my copy of her 9/11 novel, ABSENT FRIENDS? I love that bestselling children’s author Ken Mochizuki, a fellow ethnic press editor and reporter, signed his YA novel, BEACON HILLS BOYS, with "Remember when they told us to ‘get a real job’?" Gary Phillips appropriately penned, "Writing is fighting," in my West Coast Crime copy of his mystery debut, VIOLENT SPRING. And of course I’ll always treasure Walter Mosley scribbling, "Good luck with Summer of the Big Bachi," in BLACK BETTY.

My most emotion-laden autographed hardback book is not a novel, but nonfiction–late Iris Chang’s RAPE OF NANKING. It was another dearly departed figure, television newsman Sam Chu Lin, who had encouraged me to attend Iris’s signing at the Santa Monica Borders in January 1998 and I was so glad to have the opportunity to meet her in person before she tragically took her life in November of 2004.

As I write this, I see that books are actually physical footprints, emotional and intellectual markers of my life. My copy of RAPE OF NANKING not only brings to mind Iris Chang, but also the subsequent conversations it engendered and the many related stories on Japanese war crimes I placed in the newspaper I once edited. I also remember my pal Sam and how he mentored and befriended so many of us younger journalists. Perhaps that’s why I don’t think electronic books will ever completely replace actual bound books. There’s magic in those pages.

The book in my collection that is worth the most money is a first edition, first printing of Cynthia Kadohata’s KIRA-KIRA, which garnered the Newbery Award months after it was signed. The Newbery Award is the closest thing to literature’s Oscars, at least for writers for children. Soon after Cynthia received a 4:30 a.m. phone call announcing that she had won, she was whisked away for the Today Show. Now how glamorous is that? Soon Cynthia was deluged with e-mails requesting a first edition, first-printing book. The book was going for $800 at one time, and currently is listed for more than $1,000 for an autographed first-printing copy. And I have a personalized one.

By the way, Cynthia and I will be appearing together at the Torrance Public Library on Wednesday, September 27, at 7 p.m. so all you locals come out and see us. Cynthia will be showing her brilliant PowerPoint presentation, while I’ll be more low-tech with some show-and-tell surprises, nonetheless.

And for those going to the Bouchercon world mystery convention at the end of this month, keep you eye out–not only for current stars, but also for those newbies under the radar who may become stars of tomorrow. Especially those getting published by small presses or having limited print-runs with larger publishers.

And don’t forget about those paperback original writers! Robert Crais’ first book, MONKEY’S RAINCOAT, a mass market paperback original, in mint condition is going for three figures.

No more showers with books for me.

WEDNESDAY’S WORD: okanemochi (SNAKESKIN SHAMISEN, page 86)

Rich person. Pronounced "o-KA-neh-MO-chee." Okane means money and mochi is derived from the infinitive motsu, or to hold onto.

DISORIENTED EXPRESS LEAVES THE STATION: Mystery authors Eric Stone and Colin Cotterill’s joint tour, Disoriented Express, begins tonight at the Mystery Bookstore at 7 p.m. I was hoping to attend, but being the traffic wimp that I am, I’ve decided not to take the trek through downtown L.A. to the westside. But I know that I’m missing out on great, great fun. Asian snacks, beverages, and good company. I am hoping to meet Colin at Book’em Mysteries in South Pasadena tomorrow, however. A much, much saner drive for me personally. BTW, Colin has the best website ever.

EVENT SEASON GEARS UP: Come to the West Hollywood Book Fair this weekend on Sunday, September 17. At 1:15 p.m. I’ll be on a panel, "Who Am I?," with Rochelle Krich, Luis Rodriguez and Victoria Christopher Murray, moderated by Holly Hoffman. It’s going to be on the age-old theme of a writer’s identity. Should be interesting! I’ll also be doing a self-publishing and book distribution workshop in Little Tokyo this Saturday.

The Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Reviews

Deni Dietz

Disclaimer: Some of my best friends are reviewers…

QUIBBLES & BITS

To read a review, or not to read a review: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous reviews,
Or to take arms against a sea of reviewers,
And by ignoring end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To read a review, to ignore a review: perchance to skim a review [and look for a line to quote, even if you have to use three dots]: aye, there’s the rub; For in that review of death what dreams may crush…

Responding to critics of Carnal Knowledge, Mike Nichols said, "A critic at a movie is a eunuch at a gangbang."

Which made me think…

How many times have we banged our heads against our keyboards because the person who reviewed our books didn’t "get it"?

Or even worse, didn’t read it?

Or was just plain nasty?

When my history-mystery-romance Dream Dancer came out, a reviewer whom I’ll call Ms. Axtogrind attacked me personally, then said that halfway through the book my hero burned to death in a circus fire. I don’t think I’m giving anything away when I say my hero didn’t die, though my heroine thought he did. Ms. Axtogrind was fired shortly thereafter (apparently, I wasn’t the only author to experience her misguided slings and arrows), but her vitriolic rhetoric impacted my sales. After all, would you buy a romance where the hero burns to death?

Unless, of course, the hero is Joan of Arc.

Long before the advent of blogs, I began collecting "weird review data." My thought was to – someday – write an article. Here are a few of my favorites:

Jack Williamson, a science fiction author, got a review which said he wrote like a comic strip writer. Someone saw the review and hired Williamson to write a SF comic strip called "Beyond Mars."

Writing about John Wassermann’s novel, Exit Wounds, a reviewer said, "Clearly the author has never been inside a police station. His policemen are vulgar and crass." Westermann, who spent 21 years as a cop, said, "Crass and vulgar? Some of my people consider it an art form."

When Greg Herron’s Murder in the Rue Dauphine was reviewed, the one thing the reviewer harped on was that "outside of the main character, Herron doesn’t get inside the heads of his characters. It would have been nice to know what was going on inside their heads as well." Considering the fact that the novel was written in first-person and the main character wasn’t a psychic, Herron kind of scratched his head over that one.

In a review of an anthology of Civil War stories, the reviewer assumed Patti (P.G.) Nagle’s story was a romance because of its title, The Courtship of Captain Swenk. "He obviously hadn’t read the story," Patti said, "because it wasn’t romantic at all. The Captain is courting an old battleaxe widow as an excuse for spying activities."

Janet Dawson’s PW review for Where the Bodies are Buried sniped at her because her heroine/sleuth didn’t figure out who the killer was until the end of the book. [‘Nuff said, although Janet says, "That was the most idiotic hatchet job I’ve ever seen."]

The same week the New York Times called Robert Rosenberg’s first book, Crimes of the City, the most notable thriller of 1991, the reviewer in Ha’arentz said it was a cartoon. "But I think the reviewer issue should be put in perspective," Robert said. "While my agent was trying to sell my first book, I kept asking for the rejections and she kept saying no. Finally, after she found a publisher (Simon & Shuster), she sent me a sampling of the rejections. One editor wrote: ‘The plotting is elegant, the writing pedestrian, and the characters are flat.’ Another editor wrote: ‘The writing is elegant, the plotting pedestrian and the characters are lively.’ And a third wrote that the writing was flat, the characters interesting and the plotting terrific. In other words, one can only wonder if they read the same book!"

And finally, Joe Scarpato says his favorite pan was a one-word summation of A.A. Milne’s The Red House Mystery. Joe simply wrote "Pooh!"

Have you ever thanked a reviewer for a review? Recently a Sisters in Crime sib posted (on the SinC loop) that she’d be attending Bouchercon for the very first time and that she was the author of a horror novel. I responded privately. I told her that I was a sucker for horror novels and I’d be happy to meet her for a cup of coffee or to hoist a mug. I said that I’ve been attending Bouchercons since before Noah learned to count and, although Bouchercon seems a wee bit overwhelming, it’s really not. She wrote back: "I’d love to get together. But in a way we’ve already met. I recognized your name and went to my files and sure enough I’d reviewed Beat Up A Cookie in ’94.  You sent me a letter thanking me and at the bottom you said, ‘I hope we meet some day, so that I can reiterate–in person–just how much your COOKIE review meant to me.’ Wow.  What are the odds?  So I’m really looking forward to meeting you now."

And that’s my quote of the week! 🙂

Household Hint from Eye of Newt‘s Aunt Lillian:

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Authors reading this blog: Please email your favorite [outrageous] review stories to me at deni@denisedietz.com  and I’ll include them — with links to your blog and/or website — in a future Quibbles & Bits

…or in that article I plan to write someday.

Over and Out,
Deni

Save A Writer, Buy a New Book!

Note from Pari Noskin Taichert
I first saw this thought-provoking article on the Novelists Inc. listserv. The author, Susan Gable, gave everyone on that list permission to reprint the piece as needed. I believe the issue of used bookstores — their merit and economic impact — is something that authors and readers will increasingly debate. I look forward to the discussion we’ll have here.

by Susan Gable

The recent demise of yet another Harlequin line, this time the kick-butt heroine line Bombshell, got me to thinking, which, as anyone who knows me will tell you is always a dangerous thing. I heard from a number of readers who were surprised by the closing, because they had friends who just "loved that line!"

I’ve also heard things like this: "I can’t believe they closed that line. I loved that line. I read those books every month at my library."

Before I go any farther with this discussion, I have to offer up a disclaimer. I love libraries. Especially as a child with a voracious appetite for story, I borrowed armloads of books from my local library. I love bargains, too. I shop like men hunt or play sports. It’s a victory when I score a bargain. (New black cocktail dress, originally $79, marked down to only $16. SCORE!) Used books are great bargains. Swapping books, another great bargain. The new websites on-line, where you can "rent" a book, in a system similar to NetFlix, are also an interesting bargain. Good grief, even the airports these days have a program where you can buy a book, read it, then sell it back to them. What a bargain!

But did you realize that those bargains could be putting your favorite line or your favorite author out of business?

It’s a difficult, touchy subject for authors to discuss. We don’t want to appear anti-used books (’cause we’re not — not entirely, anyway), or make readers think we’re money-grubbers, always harping on them to buy our books. We all know (believe me, we KNOW — most writers don’t make anywhere close to as much money as people think we do) how tight money can be sometimes, especially with the rising costs of gas and heating fuel, and food, and taxes, and, well, you know. Everything.

We’ve been known ourselves to sometimes borrow and trade books, or buy used. Or go to the library.

But publishing these days is a strictly-by-the-numbers business, which means if the numbers don’t live up to the publisher’s expectations, a writer can kiss her slot/line/future contracts good-bye.

"Where’s SoAndSo’s latest book? How come she hasn’t published another story in that series that I love so much?" If you find yourself asking that question, it could be that your favorite, SoAndSo, got cut loose because the numbers of that last book in the series didn’t do as well as the one before that. How did you get your hands on that last book? Did you buy it new, contributing to the continuation of the series, or did you bargain read it? Bargain reads don’t count towards our numbers.

Writers, especially those of us at the "lower echelons" of the publishing world, need our readers more than ever. Without you, there would be no point in what we do. (Well, okay, there’s a certain satisfaction in telling yourself a story, but it’s the audience that makes it truly special. It’s a shared dream.) But now, because of numbers, we need your support even more.

Our careers, our lines, even our publishers, live and die by the numbers.

So please, where and when you can, save a writer. Buy a new book. We’ll all thank you for it. And that way, you’ll have more choices of books in the future.

Susan Gable thanks her fans for buying her books. Her latest book, THE PREGNANCY TEST, sold well, thanks to them. It was also awarded the National Readers’ Choice Award for Best Long Contemporary.

Time Is On My Side. Yes, It Is.

Jeffrey Cohen

The editor working on my next book (I don’t like saying, “my editor,” as I believe owning another person was outlawed in this country a while back; on the other hand, I don’t say, “the woman who chose to marry me,” so maybe I’m a hypocrite about that–I’m sorry, what were we talking about?) made an interesting request this week. In an email right before she left for another continent, she asked if I would mind if the deadlines–and therefore the publication dates–of the second and third books in the series that hasn’t started yet were moved up, a month in one case, two months in another. I’d been working pretty rapidly at the revisions on the first book; she assumed I’d be able to work with the same type of speed on the others.

The reasons for doing so were all good–it’s easier for a publisher to generate excitement about a series if the books are coming at a (slightly) faster clip; it helps build momentum and keeps people from forgetting that I write book they might have enjoyed in the past. But it was an unexpected request.

I had to think about it, hard. After all, I’ve never written fiction on a deadline before.

Let me repeat that: I’ve never written fiction on a deadline before.

It’s a daunting proposition. Even the years I was busying myself with setting the Guiness World Record (and since when does a beer company get to determine what’s a world record?) for Most Unproduced Screenplays, I never had to worry about when the work would be finished. I’m a pretty fast writer, once I’m ready to write, but I’ve never had to consider the idea of a deadline before.

Later, when the Unproduced Screenplays became Published Mystery Novels, I was still operating pretty much on my own schedule. The first book was written “on spec,” as we Hollywood wannabees like to say, so it could take as long as it wanted (which turned out to be less than two months of actual writing time), and the second and third in the Aaron Tucker series were written with the understanding that the publisher would accept them whenever they were ready, which was usually pretty soon–again, no deadline, so no pressure.

The book currently being edited in preparation for publication in (get ready) October, 2007 was also written without a publisher attached; that is, I wrote it as a way to find a new publisher, assuming that the search would be futile. When I was recommended to a wonderful agent, who found a home for the Comedy Tonight series in less than a month, boy, was there egg on my face! Well, no. There really wasn’t egg on my face. I don’t eat eggs much. Cholesterol, you know. Not to mention, eggs aren’t really anything special, in my view. But I was sure surprised, I’ll tell ya.

My writing pattern is usually something like this: I get the idea for the basic plot, and after letting it cook in my head for a while (which can be anywhere from 10 minutes to five years), decide it’s time to write. I start off like a house afire (although I refuse to believe that a house on fire has ever written a decent novel), strong in my belief that this book will be done in roughly a week and a half.

Then, for reasons I’ve never fully understood, I stop writing. I never know when it’s going to happen. I finish writing for a particular day, knowing full well what’s going to be written tomorrow, and then the next day, I don’t write anything. In some cases, I don’t write another word for months on end. In others, it’s been weeks. But there’s always this huge break in the middle. So when I say that my first novel took less than two months to write, that’s accurate: the time I was actually sitting and writing was no doubt two months or less. But it was probably closer to six calendar months before I got to type “The End” at the bottom of a screen.

In other cases, the break has been shorter, and sometimes, about the same. I don’t believe in writer’s block–I always know what the next sentence will be, but somehow, I put off typing it–but it’s undeniable, and now it’s gotten to be A Thing.

So given the question, I have to wonder: can I write fiction on time? Or will the very fact that there is a deadline intimidate me to distraction? Is it possible for me to have a draft done when my contract says I must? To be fair, even if The Break were to last as long as it’s ever lasted, there would still be plenty of time before my deadline hit. Assuming I was starting today.

And I do have about two pages of material written. I expect I’ll write more next week.

Probably.

ON THE BUBBLE WITH LINDA RICHARDS

I’m a great admirer of Linda Richards.  Naturally.  I mean, she wouldn’t be here – On The Bubble – if I wasn’t, right?  Right.  She’s genuine, full of the devil, a wicked e-mail pal, a multi-talented reporter, stock trader – and one hell of a mystery writer.  And I particularly admire those who take plunges.  And Linda and David (life-mate and an extremely talented photographer and graphic artist) did – they took a chance on something they wanted to do – JANUARY MAGAZINE – and it quickly became one of the most respected internet stops for book lovers.  But that’s just Success Story No. One.

Success Story No. Two?  Three terrific mysteries with a protag – Madeline Carter – who is not only fun to hang out with, she’s wonderfully wry – and savy as hell!  Madelines’ first appearance – as you already know – was in MAD MONEY.  I loved that book!  And then I met up with her again in THE NEXT EX.  Now I’m tagging along with her in CALCULATED LOSS – which just came out.  Grab it!  You’ll thank me.  Have I ever steered you wrong?

So get your morning coffee handy, or your afternoon whatever – and join me whilst I chat with Linda.

EE:  Linda, at what point in your career did you find it necessary to break your addiction to watching back-to-back reruns of ‘I Love Lucy’? 

LR:  Who told you I had broken it?  They lie like a bad rug!

Lie like a bad rug?  Where’s my notebook?  I gotta steal that one.

EE:  Is it true you listen to Tchaiksovsky whilst you write?  I hear your nearest neighbor is having a breakdown because you play Swan Lake over, and over and over.

LR:  And over and over and…but it’s very aerobic, actually.  Not the playing, of course.  But the dancing.  On my deck.  In a tutu.  It clears the mind.

It may clear YOUR mind, but what about the neighbor?  Oh, wait.  Maybe shes complaining because her husband is watching you dance? I mean – that tutu must be absolutely fetching.

EE:  Okay, forget the neighbor.  It’s her problem.  So, tell me about your favorite retreat and what you do there.

LR:  There are those who would say I live on retreat.  I can’t help it: it’s the life I’ve helped build.  But when I want to get away from my retreat-like life, I take a bath.  Plots get untwisted when I’m floating in the tub with the intention of disengaging my mind.  Go figure.

I can relate to that.  Driving or a long shower does it for me.  Besides-it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than flying to Cannes.

EE:  Everyone has a Walter Mitty dream.  Now, some of my guests have come up with some really goofy ones – but I’m sure your’s will be just terrific!  So, Linda – what’s yours?

LR:  I don’t dream about Walter Mitty at all.  He’s not my type:too meek.  And, anyway, isn’t he married?

That wasn’t the answer I was looking for.  But what the hell.  Oh, uh, no – he’s not married.  He’s dead.

EE:  Okay, Linda – here’s a hot one.  Word on the street is that you’re ghosting Joan Rivers new biography.  Care to comment?

LR:  I didn’t realize that had gotten out.

Gotten out?  All of Mysterville is on fire with the rumors!  Hell, even Rush Limbaugh is talking about it…and Letterman!  And I hear Penzler is foaming at the mouth.  Did you know she rejected him?

EE:  Okay, now that we can consider the rumors true, here’s the next one.  Since Joan’s latest face lift didn’t work very well-I’m told she’s begging you to have plastic surgery to look like her so you can do her book tour.  What’s the scoop on that one?  You can tell me.  You know I can keep it zipped.

LR:  Yeah.  Right.  You’ll keep it zipped.  You and your damned bubble.  But, (ahem) seriously…I’m considering her offer.  Can you imagine what Joan Rivers’ book tours look like?  The limos, the line-ups, the general perks?  It’s tempting.  I tell you.

On my ‘book tours’ I’m lucky if they don’t mix-up my half-sweet mocha and bring me a cappuccino.  And the last media escort they toured me didn’t have anything like a limo. I don’t know what it was except it looked like something out of the Flintstones:  I had to poke my feet through the floorboards to help with the impulsion when we where going uphill.  (Good thing I wasn’t wearing my Manolos.)  And another thing…everyone keeps cracking wise about Joan’s surgery.  But let’s be honest: don’t you think she looks fantastic for 112?

Ah, the life of a writer, huh?  But if it helps to know – I didn’t get a limo either.  But, Linda!  Just think of what the Rivers tour will be like!  And did you know she always has an assistant with her?  I’ll be free soon, and I take quick notes.  I can even carry a few books. Ohhh…I can see it now!  The long line of fans, the guest appearances on TV, the five star hotels…the cover on People.  Uh, all for you of course.

EE:  My spy up your way tells me that the local Mycological Society is planning on naming you Woman of the Year!  What an honor!  But – is it also true that you’re supposed to provide proof of your culinary skills besides your foraging expertise?  I mean, isn’t that a bit strange?

LR:  OK:  I know that’s supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but it’s skating close enough to the truth that I’ll just leave it alone.  As you know, I actually do enjoy collecting edible mushrooms in the fall and my skill at identifying edible varieties is locally renowned. (I don’t wear Manolos for that, either.)

Guests at my table know that my mushroom risotto might boast lobster mushrooms and chanterelles that I’ve collected with my own little hands.  And no (I think I’ll head this one off right now) none of my future mysteries feature death by poisonous mushrooms.  My mysteries are of a more urban nature than my current life.  I write better outside of the landscape.

Linda and I have traded mushroom hunting stories and I wanted her legions of fans to know how very much accomplished she is in this most specialized and dangerous field.  Knowing the difference between what’s good and what isn’t – ain’t an easy task.

EE:  A new spy of mine (who may not last if this rumor proves to be untrue) tells me that Pam Anderson wants to option your Madeline Carter series, but you turned her down.

LR:  It’s a lie.  I didn’t turn her down.  Pam Anderson would make a terrific Madeline Carter.  OK: so Pam is about a foot shorter than I ever envisioned Madeline and slightly more…er…zaftig,.  But…and here I go trying to pull the tongue out of your cheek again.  I’m sorry ..Pam has a much better sense of comedic timing than people give her credit for.  Something about being blinded by the boobs, I guess.  People can’t seem to see past the upholstery.  But she could do it, sure.  It would just be very, very different than I ever envisioned it.

Plus Pam is Canadian so you hafta to know there’s a good girl under all that goop and plastic:  the heart might be obscured, but it’s certainly there.

Well, in that case…?  I mean, who would have thought, huh?

EE:  I understand you have a bad habit of belting out ‘Singing In The Rain’ when you hit the nasty brick wall when you’re writing – and David (bless his heart) – claims you’re tone deaf and is begging you to find another tune.

LR:  Oh but I already have!  Now it’s ‘Creep" by Radiohead.  It delivers a whole different vibe.

Uh, yes…I can see where it might.  But hey, if you’re happy?  And David’s happy?  Why not?

EE:  Who would be your ideal panel mates?  Come on now, don’t be shy.  Go for it.

LR:  That’s too hard!  The panel would be big enough to fill a whole conference.  Seriously:  I’ve enjoyed every panel I’ve been on.  They’ve all been terrific panel mates.

Very diplomatic! But then, you are the epitome of discretion.  I tell everyone I know that.  Call me later, okay?

EE:  Whispers are rampant that you’re not really Linda L. Richards, but the long-lost granddaughter of Al Capone and you’re hiding from Geraldo Rivera who is still looking for Al’s buried loot-and he swears you know where it is.

LR:  Gack!  But your sources are good.  Only it’s Jimmy Hoffa and Katie Couric.

What??  Hold the presses!  Oh, could this be the end of Katie’s new CBS job?

EE:  Which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at the next ThrillerFest? 

LR:  Why you, of course, Elaine darling.  We’ve many battle tales to swap over as many glasses of wine.

Oh, gosh.  I’m flattered.  Really, I am!  I mean, of all the big names you could have mentioned?  But hey, we could really run up a bar tab, huh?  Remind me to tell you about….well, later.

EE:  Which writer would be your ideal book tour mate?

LR:  Joan Rivers.  No wait…we already did her.  Neil Gaiman, I think.  Or Anne Rice.  The two of them have the most interesting people turn up at signings.  Gaiman told me he once had a woman ask him to sign her body.. I don’t remembe where.   Some place not so subtle, I’m thinking.  The intention was she was going to have the signature tattooed in place immediately after.  I can’t remember if he did or not, though.  I suspect he did.  And Anne Rice has people come in costume: dressed as various characters from her many books.

Gaiman, huh?  Hmmm.  How nice of him to comply.  Anne Rice’s characters in costume?  Really?  I mean, fangs, and blood and…Oh my..I think I can miss that.

EE:  You’re having six guests for dinner.  Who would they be, and what would you serve?

LR:  The possibilities are too vast, the combinations too inviting.  Let’s try this just for fun:  Otto Penzler and Paris Hilton (wouldn’t they be a cute couple?), Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston (just so we could watch them throw things, maybe food) and you, Elaine.  Because you wouldn’t want to miss all the fun.

And what to serve?  Well, (she said modestly) I’m a fabulous cook, so the choices here are also vast.  The whole cooking thing surprises people who meet Madeline before the meet me because Madeline does not and can not cook anything beyond rice cakes and toast.  And I…well I reverse engineer things I try in posh restaurants just for kicks.  I’m a kook that way.  And nothing relaxes me more like making a good bernaise.  I’m a fairly serious foody.  And I’m not a blonde ex-stockbroker, either, so I don’t get the big confusion.

So…what to make…I seem to have mushroom risotto on the brain now, so that seems to be a good place to start.  And risotto is a good dinner party thing, because you can bring it close and then just leave it alone in the kitchen while you enjoy drinks and canapes with your guests, then you can scurry back to the kitchen and finish the risotto in the last 15 minutes before serving.

Penzle & Paris??  A match made in heaven!  Pitt, Jolie and Aniston?  And moi??  Oh, I can’t wait!!  I wouldn’t miss that for the world.  I’ll even wash the dishes to get in on that one.  Besides, mushroom risotto is one of my favorites.  Uh, could you do a show and tell with the bernaise?  I never could get that to come out right. 

Well, see what I mean about being multi-talented??  Not only does Linda put out a premier review site, she has a blog, she’s one hell of a mystery writer, she’s an expert on mushrooms in the wild, and she COOKS??  Oh, but I feel so unaccomplished.  But even so, I still think the world of her.  So visit Linda at: http://www.lindalrichards.com   And January Magazine at: http://www.janmag.com

And while you’re at January Magazine-don’t forget to click on THE RAP SHEET – with J. Kingston Pierce.  And DON’T FORGET TO PICK UP CALCULATED LOSS!!

Thanks to Linda Richards for being a terrific guest – and for putting up with me.  She didn’t have to, you know?  But then, I only invite the best and the brightest.  And next week?  Ah…a big surprise is in store for you. He’s a debut writer who is already the talk of Mysteryville!