A DEEPER DARKNESS is Free on iBooks

By JT Ellison

For a limited time, A DEEPER DARKNESS, the first novel in the Dr. Samantha Owens series, is featured in the First in a Series program for free on iBooks. Check it out here: tw.apple.com/fiasmysteriesthrillers

More about A DEEPER DARKNESS:

As a medical examiner, Samantha Owens knows her job is to make a certain sense of death with crisp methodology and precision instruments. But the day the Tennessee floods took her husband and children, the light vanished from Sam’s life. She’s pulled into a suffocating grief no amount of workaholic ardor can penetrate—until she receives a peculiar call from Washington, D.C.

On the other end of line is an old boyfriend’s mother, asking Sam to do a second autopsy on her son. Eddie Donovan is officially the victim of a vicious carjacking, but under Sam’s sharp eye the forensics tell a darker story. The ex-Ranger was murdered, though not for his car.

Forced to confront the burning memories and feelings about yet another loved one killed brutally, Sam loses herself in the mystery contained within Donovan’s old notes. Leading her to the untouchable Xander Whitfield, a soldier off-grid since his return from Afghanistan, and then to a series of brutal crimes stretching from that harsh mountainous war zone to this nation’s capital, the tale told between the lines makes it clear that nobody’s hands are clean, and that making sense of murder sometimes means putting yourself in the crosshairs of death.

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Via: JT Ellison

    

Running Away From Obama: How’d That Work Out For Ya?

By JD Rhoades
The Pilot Newspaper: Opinion

So what happened this past Tuesday? What was the cause of this so-called “Republican Wave”?
You can blame the gerrymandering, which marginalizes Democratic votes and concentrates Republican ones. That certainly didn’t hurt Renee “I need MY paycheck!” Ellmers in her race against Clay Aiken.
But that doesn’t explain Kay Hagan losing to Thom Tillis, nor does it explain Republican victories in other U.S. Senate and state governor’s races.
You can blame the pernicious influence of money in politics. But the fact is, both sides spent huge amounts of money, and in North Carolina, Hagan actually outspent Tillis.
So what was it? You might come to the conclusion that people just don’t like Democratic policies. But then you’d have to explain away what happened when certain measures were actually put on the ballots in various states:
— Voters in Alaska, Arkansas, Nebraska and South Dakota passed bills to raise the minimum wage, even while electing politicians who opposed such an increase. Not only did these measures pass, but they passed by wide margins. (A similar bill passed in Illinois, but it’s only considered “advisory” and doesn’t have the force of law.)
— Washington state passed a referendum that mandates universal background checks for gun purchases. The bill passed with 60 percent of the popular vote, despite millions of dollars poured into the state by the NRA and other gun rights groups to fight it.
— Voters in Colorado and North Dakota rejected so-called “personhood” laws, which define human life as beginning at fertilization of the egg. It’s clearly a back-door attempt to restrict reproductive freedom, and voters in those states soundly defeated both measures.
— Oregon, Alaska and the District of Columbia legalized possession of small amounts of marijuana. A solid majority of Floridians (57 percent) voted to legalize it for medical use, but that measure fell short of the 60 percent it would have needed to become law.
It seems that voters, when asked to choose, favor liberal policies on the minimum wage, gun control, reproductive choice, and even legal weed. Yet they don’t seem to like Democratic candidates. And I know why.
It’s because they act like such wimps.
One of the recurring themes of campaign coverage was how Democratic candidates were “running away” from President Obama. He’s “wildly unpopular,” the press assured us, despite the steadily decreasing jobless rate, a declining deficit, millions of Americans getting health insurance as a result of the much-reviled Affordable Care Act, and 63 months of economic expansion.
And boy, did they ever run away. Kentucky’s Alison Lundergan Grimes refused to even say whether or not she’d voted for the president. Clay Aiken told reporters he didn’t want the president to appear with him. Incumbent Sen. Kay Hagan spent all her time touting herself as the “most moderate” senator.
Republicans, on the other hand, constantly repeated, “Hagan voted with Obama 96 percent of the time. They painted Hagan as “the deciding vote for Obamacare.” (Funny how every incumbent Democrat in every state was “the deciding vote for Obamacare.”) In the last days of the election, they even put it on the signs: HAGAN=OBAMACARE.
And not once did I hear her stand up and say, “Yeah, I voted for Obamacare, and here’s why: No pre-existing condition exclusions, no lifetime caps on coverage, more people are getting insured, and you can keep your kids covered until they’re 26.” You know, all the things people tell pollsters they like — so long as you don’t call it Obamacare.
Here’s the thing about trying to run away from the president from your party: You’re also running away from the policies that you voted for. That doesn’t work. The Republicans aren’t going to let you do it, and trying to do it makes you look weak, craven, and wholly dependent on polls to determine your loyalty.
Not only does it not work, but as we’ve seen above, it’s so unnecessary. Remember, the president you’re so shy about being seen with got elected twice by large margins. People actually want a lot of the same things the Democrats claim to want. You want to motivate your base voters, the ones you really need in the midterms, then stand up and say, “Yeah, I voted for that, and I’d do it again. I did it because it’ll help the people of my country and my state, and here’s why I say that …”
You want better turnout, Democrats. You need to move the polls, not chase them. You need to stop listening to overpaid Beltway consultants who tell you people won’t like you if you come out strong for the things that help people. You know, the ones Democrats are supposed to believe in.
A few noisy people may not like liberal policies, but everyone hates a two-faced coward.
THE GOBSHITES SPEAK:


The comments in The Pilot since this column went live show that the Right’s not even trying to hide the racism any more:

From commenter “PearlHarbor”: A couple of articles I read called the election white man’s revenge.
Articles where? Stormfront.com? The KKK Journal?

And of course, our old friend “Francis” spoke from beneath his concealing hood of anonymity: As much as it pains me to say this Obama may have been just what we needed, something had to wake White America up, we have been far to lenient and passive when it comes to allowing others dictate their demands, from illegal immigrants marching in our streets to the moral Monday crowd driven by the NAACP trying to use their numbers, it’s always been about them, never us, time to think about what we want for a change.

Yes, Francis, let’s never forget that it’s the white man who is the truly oppressed minority in this country. Wake up, white men!
Jesus.

Via: J.D. Rhoades

    

Nanowrimo: Act One questions and prompts

By noreply@blogger.com (Alexandra Sokoloff)

by Alexandra Sokoloff

So how’s Nano going? You should be well into your Act I by now, right?

I’m traveling crazily this month – in San Diego this weekend for ITW’s Veteran’s Book Benefit, then in Long Beach next week for Bouchercon, the World Mystery Convention. And the week after, Iceland Noir.

I’m doing lots of signings, panels and events – hope to see some of you at one or another of these!

But today I wanted to post some questions and prompts that might be useful for Act One. And of course, Act II to follow!

ELEMENTS OF ACT ONE:

– In a 2-hour movie, Act One starts at the beginning and climaxes at about 30 minutes.

– In a 400-page book, Act One starts at the beginning and climaxes at about 100 pages.

And adjust proportionately depending on the length of the story.

First, identify the separate SEQUENCES of this act. What time do they start, and what time do they climax? (Full discussion here.

In a movie there will usually be two approximately 15- minute long sequences, Sequence 1 and Sequence 2, and the climax of Sequence 2 will be the Act 1 Climax, at about 30 minutes into the movie. But if the movie is longer or shorter the sequences will be longer or shorter to match, or there might be three sequences or even (rarely) four in Act I. There may also be a short PROLOGUE.

In a book you have more leeway with number and length of sequences – there may be three or four in one Act, and they may vary more in length – 40 pages, 20 pages, 30 pages. But generally in a 400 page book, the Act One climax will be still be around p. 100.

– OPENING IMAGE/OPENING SCENE

Describe the OPENING IMAGE and/or opening scene of the story.

What mood, tone and genre does it set up? What kinds of experiences does it hint at or promise? (Look at colors, music, pace, visuals, location, dialogue, symbols, etc.).

Does the opening image or scene mirror the closing image or scene? (It’s not mandatory, but it’s a useful technique, often used.). How are the two different?

* What’s the MOOD, TONE, GENRE (s) the story sets up from the beginning? How does it do that?

* VISUAL AND THEMATIC IMAGE SYSTEMS

(More discussion here.)

* THE ORDINARY WORLD/THE SPECIAL WORLD

What does the ordinary world look and feel like? How does it differ in look and atmosphere from THE SPECIAL WORLD?

* MEET THE HERO OR HEROINE

How do we know this is the main character? Why do we like him or her? Why do we relate to him or her? What is the moment that we start rooting for this person? Why do we care?

• HERO/INE’S INNER AND OUTER DESIRE

What does the Hero/ine say s/he wants? Or what do we sense that s/he wants, even if s/he doesn’t say it or seem to be aware of it? How does what s/he thinks s/he wants turn out to be wrong?

• HERO/INE’S PROBLEM

(This is usually an immediate external problem, not an overall need. In some stories this is more apparent than others.)

* HERO/INE’S GHOST OR WOUND

What is haunting them from the past?

• HERO/INE’S CHARACTER ARC

Look at the beginning and the end to see how much the hero/ine changes in the course of the story. How do the storytellers depict that change?

• INCITING INCIDENT/CALL TO ADVENTURE

(This can be the same scene or separated into two different scenes.)

How do the storytellers make this moment or sequence significant?

* REFUSAL OF THE CALL

Is the hero/ine reluctant to take on this task or adventure? How do we see that reluctance?

• MEET THE ANTAGONIST (and/or introduce a Mystery, which is what you do when you’re going to keep your antagonist hidden to reveal at the end).

How do we know this is the antagonist? Does this person or people want the same thing as the hero/ine, or is this person preventing the hero/ine from getting what s/he wants?

* OTHER FORCES OF OPPOSITION

Who and what else is standing in the hero/ine’s way?

• THEME/ WHAT’S THE STORY ABOUT?

There are usually multiple themes working in any story, and usually they will be stated aloud.

• INTRODUCE ALLIES

How is each ally introduced?

* INTRODUCE MENTOR (may or may not have one)

What are the qualities of this mentor? How is this person a good teacher (or a bad teacher) for the hero?

• INTRODUCE LOVE INTEREST (may or may not have one).

What makes us know from the beginning that this person is The One?

* ENTERING THE SPECIAL WORLD/CROSSING THE THRESHOLD

What is the Special World? How is it different from the ordinary world? How do the filmmakers make entering this world a significant moment?

This scene is often at a sequence climax or the Act One Climax. Sometimes there are a whole series of thresholds to be crossed.

* THRESHOLD GUARDIAN

Is there someone standing on the threshold preventing the hero/ine from entering, or someone issuing a warning?

• SEQUENCE ONE CLIMAX

In a 2-hour movie, look for this about 15 minutes in. How do the filmmakers make this moment significant? What is the change that lets you know that this sequence is over and Sequence 2 is starting?

(Each sequence in a book will have some sort of climax, as well, although the sequences are not as uniform in length and number as they tend to be in films. Look for a revelation, a location change, a big event, a setpiece.).

• PLANTS/REVEALS or SET UPS/PAYOFFS

Discussion here

• HOPE/FEAR and STAKES

(Such a big topic you just have to wait for the dedicated post.)

* PLAN

What does the hero/ine say they want to do, or what do we understand they intend to do? The plan usually starts small, with a minimum effort, and gradually we see the plan changing.

• CENTRAL QUESTION, CENTRAL STORY ACTION

Does a character state this aloud? When do we realize that this is the main question of the story?

* ACT ONE CLIMAX:

In a 2-hour movie, look for this about 30 minutes in. In a 400-page book, about 100 pages in.

How do the storytellers make this moment significant? What is the change that lets you know that this act is over and Act II is starting?

You will also possibly see these elements (these can also be in Act Two or may not be present):

***** ASSEMBLING THE TEAM

***** GATHERING THE TOOLS –

***** TRAINING SEQUENCE

And also possibly:

***** MACGUFFIN (not present in all stories but if there is one it will USUALLY be revealed in the first act).

*****TICKING CLOCK (may not have one or the other and may be revealed later in the story)

* And always – look for and IDENTIFY SETPIECES.

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All the information on this blog and more is in the writing workbooks. Screenwriting Tricks for Authors and Writing Love, Screenwriting Tricks for Authors, II, are available for just $3.99 and $2.99.


– Amazon US

– Amazon UK

– Amaxon DE

– Amazon FR

– Amazon ES

– Amazon IT

If you’re a romance writer, or have a strong love plot or subplot in your novel or script, then Writing Love: Screenwriting Tricks II is an expanded version of the first workbook with a special emphasis on love stories, and more full story breakdowns.

– Smashwords (includes online viewing and pdf file)

– Amazon US

– Barnes & Noble/Nook

– Amazon UK

– Amazon DE


Via: Alexandra Sokoloff

    

7 Minutes With… Paige Crutcher

By JT Ellison

I am thrilled to introduce you to my dear friend Paige Crutcher. She is a gifted woman in so many respects – both as a writer, a journalist (she works for Publishers Weekly) and a yoga teacher. When you hear me mention my guru, this is who I’m speaking of. She’s given me so much, and I’m so excited to be able to pay back just a bit by sharing her HUGE news – her debut novel, THE ODYSSEY OF FALLING, came out on Tuesday! This book is so fantastic, a really meaty, important, beautifully written YA novel about the journey of a young girl named Odd. I can’t recommend it highly enough. And Paige’s journey to publication is a study in perseverance and strength. I admire her so much. Without further ado…

_________

Set your music to shuffle and hit play. What’s the first song that comes up?

Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground.

It’s haunting, comforting, and somehow seductive. It sets the stage nicely for writing about the magical and complicated (and sometimes horrible) world of being a teen – and tapping into that time in your life when all the firsts are experienced and everything feels huge. Because it really kind of is.

Now that we’ve set the mood, what are you working on today?

Well, my book released today, so I’m working on not wigging out. Because it’s a pretty surreal feeling to acknowledge that something I made is now out there in the world, for anyone to read. I feel rather naked, and vulnerable, so I’d say today I am working on channeling my brave.

Then I’ll be revising my new contemporary YA novel about a group of misfits in the 90s who reinvent themselves as renegade Merry Pranksters.

What’s your latest book about?

The Odyssey of Falling is about a girl named Odd who finds her recently deceased best friend’s journal, and decides to do the bucket list tucked inside the pages. It’s about loss, hope, getting into trouble, and falling in love. It’s about growing up and growing into who you are meant to be.

Where do you write, and what tools do you use?

My laptop, my hands, and occasionally a really awkweird grimace. I write at my desk, at the kitchen table, in bed, on the couch, on a box, by a fox, wearing socks. I am horrible at routine, and prefer to have alternate views of the world as I slip into a story one.

What was your favorite book as a child?

Anne Rice’s Memnoch the Devil. I read it when I was thirteen or fourteen and it has stayed with me. The language and imagery are gorgeous, and the book made me think. It gave me an escape, and mesmerized me, but it also made me really think about the world, God, and how I viewed it.

What’s your favorite bit of writing advice?

Trust your characters. It can be really hard to trust yourself if you look at writing from the perspective that you’re in control, or the puppet master pulling the strings. If, instead, you trust your characters and acknowledge that the story is their own – and that they know what to do — I find it’s immensely freeing and a heck of a lot of fun.

What do you do if the words aren’t flowing?

Watch Buffy? Usually I go for a walk, talk plot hiccups with my critique partners or husband, and come back to the page. I put on really angsty indie tunes and get the hell out of my own way. Once I stop fighting myself (or listening to the mean little inner critic), I find story is right where I left it.

What would you like to be remembered for?

For being a damn fine writer, and one hell of a friend. As someone who loved well, made a difference in the lives she encountered, and had a passionate and wonderful love story. And if it’s not too much to ask, I wouldn’t mind being remembered as a super hero. Peaceful Paige—the girl who spread hope.

_________

Paige Crutcher is a journalist for Publishers Weekly, a yoga instructor, and a voracious reader. She lives outside of Nashville, Tennessee, with her husband, two small dogs, her overactive imagination, and a houseful of books. The Odyssey of Falling is her first book. You can learn more about Paige at: paigecrutcher.com

More About THE ODYSSEY OF FALLING

Meet Odd. Audrey “Odd” Ashworth is an exceptionally bright girl with a sympathetic heart. She’s in the top 4% of her class. She’s obsessed with getting into Manhattan School of Music, committed to following the “signs” the universe delivers, and infatuated with the boyfriend of her recently deceased best friend.

Life is a little strange for Odd.

Until she finds her best friend’s diary in her crush’s car, and decides to do the bucket list tucked inside the pages. As Odd seeks closure and a way to honor her friend, she discovers there’s nothing wrong with a little strange, especially if it helps you discover who you were meant to be. Along the way, Odd falls into trouble, adventure, and finally love.

Via: JT Ellison

    

Ready, Set,, Nano!

By noreply@blogger.com (Alexandra Sokoloff)

It’s here – the big day. Big month. Big everything.

The queen of suspense, Mary Higgins Clark, said about first drafts:

Writing a first draft is like clawing my way through a mountain of concrete with my bare hands.

Isn’t that the truth?

Well, the point of Nano is to write so fast that you – sometimes – forget that your hands are dripping blood. It’s a stellar way of turning off your censor (we all have one of those little suckers) and just get those pages out.

I’ll be posting Nano prompts throughout the month, but here’s a list of helpful hints if you find yourself stuck.

1. Keep moving forward – DO NOT go back and endlessly revise your first chapters. You may end up throwing them out anyway. Just move forward. If you’re stuck on a scene, just write down vaguely what might happen in it or where it might happen as a place marker and move on to a scene you know better. The first draft can be just a sketch – the important thing is to get it all down, from beginning to end. Then you can start to layer in all the other stuff.

2. Keep the story elements checklist close at hand for easy reference.

– Story Elements Checklist for Generating Index Cards

Or if you prefer the elements in a narrative:

– Narrative Structure Cheat Sheet

3. Review the elements of the act you’re stuck on.

– Elements of Act One

– Elements of Act Two, Part 1

– Elements of Act Two, Part 2

– Elements of Act Three

– What Makes A Great Climax?

– Elevate Your Ending

– Creating Character

4. As you’re writing, you will find out more about your story. Write the premise again, and make sure you have identified and understand the Plan and Central Story Action.

– Plan, Central Question, Central Story Action

– What’s the Plan?

– Plan, Central Question, Central Story Action, part 2

5. When you’re stuck – make a list.

– Stuck? Make A List.

6. Do word lists of visual and thematic elements for your story to build your image systems. Start a collage book or online clip file of images if that appeals to you.

– Thematic Image Systems

7. Remember that the first draft is always going to suck.

– Your First Draft Is Always Going To Suck

8. You can always watch movies and do breakdowns to inspire you and break you through a block.

Good luck, everyone – and feel free to stop in and gripe!

– Alex

=====================================================

If you’d like some in-depth help with your prep, the writing workbooks based on this blog, Screenwriting Tricks for Authors and Writing Love, Screenwriting Tricks for Authors, II, are available for just $3.99 and $2.99.


– Amazon US

– Amazon UK

– Amaxon DE

– Amazon FR

– Amazon ES

– Amazon IT

If you’re a romance writer, or have a strong love plot or subplot in your novel or script, then Writing Love: Screenwriting Tricks II is an expanded version of the first workbook with a special emphasis on love stories, and more full story breakdowns.

– Smashwords (includes online viewing and pdf file)

– Amazon US

– Barnes & Noble/Nook

– Amazon UK

– Amazon DE

Via: Alexandra Sokoloff

    

THE CINDERELLA MURDER is out November 18!

By Alafair Burke

cinderella

I’m delighted to report that my first co-authored novel, with Queen of Suspense Mary Higgins Clark, will be out November 18.

Mary and I had so much fun working together, and, according to early praise, we did a nice job:

“The snappy pace, layered characters, and many plot surprises will keep readers guessing in this fascinating mystery by two talented writers.”- Booklist

“The team behind Clark’s reality TV show Under Suspicion returns to dramatize—all right, solve—another cold case, with welcome help from co-author Alafair Burke…Burke brings a sharp legal eye to the proceedings. …[W]ill satisfy Clark’s legion of fans and may well win her some new ones.”- Kirkus Review

“A dynamic new author duo* adds new verve to a classic.”- Barnes & Noble

If you’re interested in purchasing a signed copy of the book, you can do so through Book Revue in Huntington.

You can also pre-order from your favorite retailer.

I can’t wait to hear what you guys think of The Cinderella Murder!

Via: Alafair Burke

    

Dogs, books, and costumes!

By Alafair Burke

photo

The main October distraction for Frannie and Double from the usual cycle of wrestling, sleeping, and eating was for Halloween preparations. Frannie may never forgive Double for this idea, but he was determined to have the best doggie-couple costume in New York City. May the treats be with them.

When they are not causing trouble or dressing like movie characters, Double and Frannie are always up for a good book. Here, Double (quite near sighted, isn’t he?) is reading THE CINDERELLA MURDER to Frannie, fresh off the presses. This is the first book in a series co-authored with “Queen of Suspense” Mary Higgins Clark. The star of the series is Laurie Moran, the producer of “Under Suspicion,” a television show that reinvestigates cold cases. If Double had thumbs that could turn pages, he’d tell you it was a real page turner!

Via: Alafair Burke

    

NaNoWriMo…here I come again!

By PD Martin

Participant-2014-Square-Button

This will be my third year doing NaNoWriMo. In the past (I confess) I haven’t been able to make the 50,000 word goal. However, this year I’m much more confident that it’s possible. You see, I have a secret weapon…five write-ins on the five Sundays of November. Yup, 9am-5pm, every Sunday. I will have short breaks because it’s part of my NaNoWriMo Success course, so I need to run out and get the catering and coffee/tea. It’s important that my students and fellow NaNoWriMo writers are feeling well-fed and well-caffeinated J But other than that, it’s bum on seat, full stop.

I’ve also got another secret weapon. It’s something I put together for my NaNoWriMo students and I’m loving it as much as they are! It’s my NaNoWriMo workbook, but really it’s a booklet/form I’ll be using for every single book I write from now on.

The first two pages cover title, POV, setting, relevant themes, the premise, the controlling idea and relevant research. And then I’ve got 25 pages on character development work (questionnaires, back stories, exercises to tap into characters’ emotions, pictures of what I envisage my main characters look like, etc.). And then I’ve got my plot pages, where I’ve worked out the plot of my novel.

So, that will be sitting right beside me while I write. I thought of the idea purely in the context of my NaNoWriMo course, but now I’m completely in love with my novel workbook and can see this is the way forward for me as well as my students .It doesn’t matter how much writing experience you have, a little bit of preparation can make a huge difference to the finished product.

So here I go…time to write!

Via: P.D. Martin

    

NaNoWriMo…here I come again!

By PD Martin

Participant-2014-Square-Button

This will be my third year doing NaNoWriMo. In the past (I confess) I haven’t been able to make the 50,000 word goal. However, this year I’m much more confident that it’s possible. You see, I have a secret weapon…five write-ins on the five Sundays of November. Yup, 9am-5pm, every Sunday. I will have short breaks because it’s part of my NaNoWriMo Success course, so I need to run out and get the catering and coffee/tea. It’s important that my students and fellow NaNoWriMo writers are feeling well-fed and well-caffeinated J But other than that, it’s bum on seat, full stop.

I’ve also got another secret weapon. It’s something I put together for my NaNoWriMo students and I’m loving it as much as they are! It’s my NaNoWriMo workbook, but really it’s a booklet/form I’ll be using for every single book I write from now on.

The first two pages cover title, POV, setting, relevant themes, the premise, the controlling idea and relevant research. And then I’ve got 25 pages on character development work (questionnaires, back stories, exercises to tap into characters’ emotions, pictures of what I envisage my main characters look like, etc.). And then I’ve got my plot pages, where I’ve worked out the plot of my novel.

So, that will be sitting right beside me while I write. I thought of the idea purely in the context of my NaNoWriMo course, but now I’m completely in love with my novel workbook and can see this is the way forward for me as well as my students .It doesn’t matter how much writing experience you have, a little bit of preparation can make a huge difference to the finished product.

So here I go…time to write!

Via: P.D. Martin

    

Chris Christie: EBOLA FIGHTER!

By JD Rhoades
The Pilot Newspaper: Opinion

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to the Thrilling Radio Hour. Tonight, we bring you another slam-bang episode of our most popular show — “Chris Christie, Ebola Fighter”! Brought to you by Panicwear, the last word in stylish hazmat suits for the whole family! Dad, Mom, even the kiddies, will look and feel their best in these full-body suits designed for Panicwear by Ralph Lauren. Remember, if it’s not Panicwear, you’re gonna die horribly! AAAAAAHHHHHH! Now, on to our story…

As our show opens, Gov. Christie is waiting on the tarmac at Newark Airport, along with his faithful aide and sidekick Wazoo.
WAZOO: De plane, Boss! De plane!
CHRISTIE: I see it, Wazoo. Get ready. We’re about to face our most dangerous enemy.
WAZOO: Another ethics investigation, boss?
CHRISTIE: No, Wazoo, even worse. There’s a nurse on that plane. And she’s been in Africa!
WAZOO: A nurse? Africa? Oy gevalt, boss!
CHRISTIE: Wait, when did you start speaking Yiddish?
WAZOO: Hey, is it my fault the scriptwriters could never settle on my exact ethnicity?
CHRISTIE: Never mind, Wazoo. Here she comes.
ANNOUNCER: As the nurse exits the plane, Gov. Christie steps forward, hand raised bravely.
CHRISTIE: Stop right there!
NURSE: What? Hey, aren’t you …
CHRISTIE: That’s right, filthy disease carrier. It is I! Chris Christie, Ebola Fighter! (MUSIC FANFARE) And I quarantine you in the name of the law!
NURSE: But … I don’t have Ebola! I don’t even have a fever!
CHRISTIE: That’s exactly what you’d say if you did have Ebola! Wazoo, to the quarantine tent with her!
WAZOO: You got it, boss!
NURSE: No! Wait! Aaaah!
ANNOUNCER: As Gov. Christie turns away from his vanquished foe, an interfering busybody steps up.
BUSYBODY: Excuse me sir, are you a doctor?
CHRISTIE: I don’t need to be a doctor! I am Chris Christie, Ebola Fighter! (MUSIC FANFARE)
BUSYBODY: I thought not. If you were, you’d know that there’s no danger of Ebola infection from someone not showing symptoms. And only then if you have contact with bodily fluids from an infected person.
CHRISTIE: Hold on there, pal! Are you a doctor?
BUSYBODY: As a matter of fact, I am. An infectious disease specialist, actually.
CHRISTIE: And did you just get off a plane from Africa?
BUSYBODY: No, Amsterdam.
CHRISTIE: Close enough. You didn’t think Chris Christie, Ebola Fighter (MUSIC FANFARE) would know that there are flights from Africa to Amsterdam? Your cunning plan to infect the populace has failed! Take him away!
WAZOO: Yes, boss.
BUSYBODY: Wait! No! Aaaah!
CHRISTIE: Hmmph. Silly liberals and their “degrees.” And their “geography.” Don’t they know I have leadership to display?
WAZOO: Hey, boss, we got a problem …
CHRISTIE: Wait! All those little men. In uniform. What are they doing here?!
WAZOO: Ummm … that’s a Boy Scout troop from Ottumwa, Iowa. They’re getting ready to fly back home after visiting New York.
CHRISTIE: New York?! There’s Ebola there! Quarantine them immediately!
WAZOO: But there’s no more room in the tent, boss! That’s the problem I was trying to tell you about!
CHRISTIE: What!? Well, then, wrap those Boy Scouts head-to-foot in Saran Wrap!
WAZOO: They’ll suffocate, boss! And the people already in the quarantine tent have cellphones! They’ve gotten hold of the media!
CHRISTIE: Not to worry, Wazoo! The media love me. I help them preserve the fiction that my whole party hasn’t gone off the deep end.
WAZOO: I’m not sure this is helping, boss. But they’re also contacting civil rights lawyers. Something about you not having the authority to lock people up just on your word. Especially when there’s zero evidence that they’re actually sick.
CHRISTIE: But I’m Chris Christie, Ebola Fighter!
(LONG PAUSE)
CHRISTIE: Hey! Where’s my music fanfare?
WAZOO: The trumpet player got quarantined, boss. Turns out he has a great-aunt in Mozambique. There’s no Ebola there, but, you know, you can’t be too careful.
CHRISTIE: (Sighs heavily) Oh, all right. Let everyone go. But be sure we do a press release telling everyone I’m still right about everything.
WAZOO: Yes, boss.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another episode of Thrilling Radio Hour! Next week’s installment: Chris Christie, Ebola Fighter, meets ISIS! And remember: if you’re not in constant fear, you’re not a real American! Good night, and God help us all!

THE GOBSHITES RESPOND: Weekly commentator “Francis”, who often has his response up within fifteen minutes of the column being posted on the Pilot’s website, responds in the fashion we’ve come to expect from the Party of Love:
Some deserve a long agonizing death, not quick, but slow and painful, then they too will understand just how those who have contacted this virus felt before dying, sorta of takes the humor out of the subject don’t ya think.[sic]

But don’t forget folks, it’s the liberals who are filled with hate.

Via: J.D. Rhoades