Author Archives: Murderati

Chaos Theory

I saw my author-friend, Tony Broadbent, not too long ago. We hail from the same hometown back in the old country. We got to chatting and he gave me a pat on the head and told me I was an anarchist.

“You’re like the Gary Oldman of the mystery world,” he said.

I love Gary, but I asked, “Is that a good thing?”

“Yes,” he exclaimed. “There’s a lot of anarchy in your writing.”

How subversive, I thought. I’m a rebel without an agenda. Mum will be delighted.

Well, the little exchange got me thinking about my writing. I don’t think people hit the keyboards with an agenda or a theme tucked under their arm—or if they do, it sort of sticks out. Agendas and themes develop on a subconscious level. Well, they do for me. I don’t go out of my way to put a slant on my stories. I just try to entertain, but inadvertently, I show a little leg now and again. So, I looked for the anarchy. And I think I saw it in the shape of conflict.

Conflict. Stories require conflict. It’s a driving force. Characters and stories thrive on it. More so in mysteries and thrillers than other genres. The nature of the genre means there are going to be casualties and collateral damage. So I like to inject my stories with a lot of conflict. The problem is that I’m quite a literal person and I think about things in very pure terms. Blame my engineering background. When I think conflict, I think about total annihilation. Everything my lead character holds dear is under attack. I create this person so that I can destroy them. I place them and their world in an ivory tower, then go about stacking as much C4 explosive around the foundation as possible to blast it all apart. It only seems fair, doesn’t it? Conflict by its nature is salt to a wound. Character assassination is key. Only by putting everything in a protagonist’s world at extreme risk can the character grow and thrive. There can’t be a comfort zone for this person. Wouldn’t you want to read about a character in a situation like that?

I flicked through some of my stories to see what I did to my characters and the annihilation is there. Characters have their reputations destroyed, home life obliterated, are framed for things for crimes they didn’t commit, have personal property confiscated or stolen or destroyed. These characters’ lives will never be the same. There will have to be a lot of rebuilding by the end.

So I guess I do have anarchistic bent. Sorry. It wasn’t intentional. It’s just the way I tell ‘em.

Yours destructively,
Simon Wood
PS: Saturday I’m signing at San Francisco Mystery Bookstore.
PPS: Saturday also marks the 39th anniversary of Jim Clark’s death. Jimmy is a personal hero of mine. His name might not mean much to most readers, but Guyot will be shedding a tear.

Why We Do It: Murderati at One Year

by Pari Noskin Taichert

A couple of weeks ago, I wanted to cry. I’d just learned that two valued members of Murderati planned to leave. This made me so sad.

After almost a year of hard work, I started to question blogging.

Believe me, it takes mucho energy to come up with engaging topics, to write and rewrite, to commit to this process whether or not the blog is busy that day. It’s also a challenge to participate in a group endeavor; democracy isn’t for wimps.

Yet week after week, we continue composing posts that disappear into the blogosphere. We work through disagreements in order to bring all of our voices to seen and unseen readers. We support each other.

What’s the return on this investment?
Anyone who thinks it’ll translate into hefty book sales, or contracts granted, is deluded.

So why do we do it?

Today, when you read this, I’ll probably be in my kitchen making chicken soup (the picture to the left is of the first batch of matzoh balls I made last Sunday), stirring the brisket, testing the meringues, placing roasted eggs on the Seder plates. I’ve been preparing for this traditional celebration for a little more than a week — menu-planning, cooking, cleaning, de-cluttering, struggling to find the right balance between religious observance and social commentary for our family and 15 guests.

Why do I do it?

Would you belive the reasons for blogging and having a large Seder are the same?

I do it to share, to nurture a sense of community, to participate in a larger conversation about the world.

I do it for love . . .

Frankly, I think all of us at Murderati do. (Hey, guys, correct me if I’m wrong.)

This week and next, you’ll meet our newest Murderati members. I’m delighted to announce the updated schedule. Please join me in welcoming:

Ken Bruen — He’ll alternate Tuesday posts with Louise Ure.

Robert Gregory Browne and J.D. Rhoades — They’ll alternate Wednesday posts.

Toni Causey –She’ll be one of our main guest bloggers, just like Naomi Hirahara.

Our first year passed in the blink of an eye. I’m humbled and grateful for the many fine people who’ve participated here — both as writers and readers (including lurkers). Our second year promises to be at least as thought-provoking.

It’s been such an honor to share our world with you. I hope you’ll continue sharing yours with all of us.

Thank you,

Pari

How to Make a Fan

By Mike MacLean

In one day, three writers made an instant fan for life–J.A. Konrath, Thomas O’Callaghan, and Murderati’s own Paul Guyot.

How did they do it? They each sent an email with a few words of encouragement. That’s it. One little email and they now have a life-long fan.

I’d been writing stories online for a while, yet hadn’t received much in the way of recognition. Dave White once sent a note, but for the most part encouragement was a far off speck on the horizon. Then last year I was lucky enough to have stories posted at both Thrilling Detective, and Demolition. Although I’d never met them, Konrath, O’Callaghan, and Guyot each wrote me. Nothing major, just a few kind words. The impact was tremendous.

Hearing that professional writers had not only read but enjoyed my work meant the world to me. It made me feel like all those hours behind the keyboard might actually payoff, that someday I could possibly carve out a little place for myself in publishing.

A few short emails, that’s all it took.

Even before hearing from these guys, I’d made it a habit to contact webzine writers when I enjoyed their stories. I haven’t been doing that lately. In the immortal words of Ferris Bueller, "Life comes at you pretty fast," and I’ve been busy. But now, I’m vowing to make time for zine writers again. And I strongly suggest anyone reading this should do the same. Let me illustrate why with two points.

1. It will make you feel good giving a struggling writer some encouragement.

2. Your time reading the story and sending a short note might pay off in book sales. For example, I’ve bought Konrath’s books, I’ve bought O’Callaghan’s, and I’ll be the first in line to buy Guyot’s and White’s. Also, I’ve just mentioned each of these guys in a blog which is read by other people who might now go out and buy their books.

So when you’ve finished with this, cruise over to one of the fine sites below and browse a few stories. I guarantee you’ll find one you like. Then track down the author and tell him so. If you have time, come back and mention the story you read in the comments page so others can check it out too.

Mouth Full of Bullets

Shred of Evidence

(If I missed anyone, I apologize)

And while you’re at it, drop the editors a note. These people put blood, sweat, tears, and cash into their zines, often with little appreciation, all to give new writers a voice. I for one would like to thank each and every one of them.

The Horror….

by Alex

I’m in Toronto this weekend for the World Horror Convention. So is
Simon, but he threatened me under pain of death and torture not to talk
about what HE’s been doing.

(Come to think of it, threats of pain and torture are probably de rigeur at a horror con anyway, so perhaps I’ll just spill.)

Toronto is a beautiful city. Huge. I had no idea. We’re right
downtown attached to the Eaton Center, a mall that is so big that even
five minutes inside is too overwhelming – I’d rather walk around it.
The interesting thing is that the mall and the hotel have grown up
around a very Gothic 1847 church. I have stained glass right outside
my hotel window. It sets a cool mood for all of this. I went
inside yesterday and it seems homeless people just live there – there
were a good dozen people asleep in different pews and chairs.
Somewhat like the courtyard scene in Sleeping Beauty after the whole
kingdom has been put to sleep.

There are other enormous churches every block or two, interspersed with
all the skyscrapers.. It’s also surprisingly warm (I was prepared for
sub zero and the lakes were still quite frozen flying in, so the
walking temperature is a welcolme surprise.

World Horror is a professional con, which means you’re not running into
The Grim Reaper and various Pinheads and the two little girls from THE
SHINING walking around as at fan conferences, which I kind of miss.
But it’s been a great con so far. Lots of Brits – I finally got to
meet Ramsey Campbell and Tim Lebbon, two writers I’ve been a fan of for
ages (well, Ramsey for ages, Tim for years). It’s always the greatest
pleasure to hang with F. Paul Wilson and Tom Monteleone and David
Morrell – not just three of the most charming men on the planet, but
like a constant master class in – mastery. Joe Landsdale is here and
is my new favorite icon (all these guys could just as easily have been
actors as writers – it’s constatnly amazing to me how multitalented
authors are).

I had a fabulous day yesterday signing with Sarah Langan, who is also
up for a Stoker for First Novel – and we did our own mini-drop in
bookstore tour yesterday (both sleepless and like the walking dead, but
that made for some hilarious and appropriately Twilight Zone moments).

And I’ve been completely adopted by a group of WHC professionals –
Eunice Magill, Maurice Broaddus, Chesya Burke, Michelle Wilson and
Lucien Soulban, who are making everything very easy and comfortable.

Panels all day today and then the awards ceremony at night. Lots of
interesting programming on crossing genres so I really will try to
update some of the highlights during the day today but of course have
had maddening Internet access.

And of course, a full report on Simon. You’re just never going to believe it. 😉

How Do You Write A Novel?

JT Ellison

It’s a good question, isn’t it? One I’ve been asked more times than I can count, sometimes with genuine curiosity, sometimes with a sneering edge of "I can do that, you’re nothing special," sometimes with an air of absolute incredulity from a reader who gets it. More often than not, and remember, I’m talking about people who don’t read regularly, I get asked these questions with a sense of dismissal.

There is an overwhelming misapprehension among laypeople about publishing in general, about writing, about the realities writers face. People assume that you dash off one hundred pages and a publishing house says cool, we’re going to publish your book, and two weeks later it’s on the shelf. Oh, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?

So the reality — the years of work, blood, sweat and tears that go into a novel, the marketing and promotion, the Internet presence prior to landing an agent, or a publisher — all that is lost on people who think books grow from the grocery shelves like so much hamburger or broccoli.

But how do you write a novel? How do you make the jump from fiddling with words, putting them in order, maybe even writing some poetry or short stories, to building a salable story, developing characters and plots, writing hundreds of pages of coherent prose that will be worthy of a cover?

I’ve been thinking about this lately. (As usual, I’ve been exposed to something new and I’m making sense of it, in my way.) The first was Stephen King’s ON WRITING, so highly recommended by Mr. Guyot some weeks back. The second was a comment made by Julia Spencer-Fleming. Both of these fantastic authors obviously have THE SECRET figured out, and do a great job explaining it.

Julia was speaking to our local chapter of Sisters in Crime and was being grilled by the audience, made up of mostly writers that night. The inevitable question of where do you get your ideas was put forth, and I settled back, fascinated, as I always am, to hear the answer. No doubt you’ve noticed that no two authors can give you the same answer. Some dream, some plot, some are struck by things they see on their morning walk, some just have wild, creative minds. It wasn’t the idea answer that captured my attention, it was what she followed with. The ooga-ooga.

We all have ideas. We all have the facilities to turn those ideas into stories. But HOW do we do it? Yes, yes, we sit at the computer and write them down. We’re disciplined, and work hard. We know the rules, we understand the grammar and punctuation, know how to spell and use dialogue tags. But can we really explain HOW we turn that knowledge into a novel?

Julia calls it the ooga-ooga. I had a vision of cannibals standing over a cauldron, sharpened bones piercing their lips, tossing various bits of vegetable matter into the stew, a dash of pepper, a pinch of salt — Ooga-Ooga, dinner’s ready. And I felt every constraint I’ve ever been saddled with disappear. Oh, you mean we’re allowed to admit that there might be an element of writing we can’t explain? That it’s not wrong to look at our extraordinary ability to manipulate words as a gift? As Julia pointed out, could Beethoven explain how the notes came together in his head?

I was trying to explain this to a new friend at a party this past weekend. At a loss and knowing ooga-ooga wasn’t going to cut it, I fell back on another analogy I’ve used. Do you cook from a recipe or from scratch? Have you ever watched a cook who uses recipes as a suggested guideline? They season to taste. They toss in the pepper and salt, oregano and onion, garlic and basil, stir, add, taste, stir, add, taste until their face takes on that triumphant glow. It’s perfect. Can they tell you what ingredients to use? Yes. Can they tell you how just one extra dash of oregano and a pinch of salt makes it perfect? Well, yes, they can tell you, but you need to taste the finished product to understand.

That is how I write a novel. I build the story with words, toss in the spices, and season it to taste. I can’t necessarily explain HOW that happens, but I know when it’s ready to be read, just as a master chef knows when it’s time to turn off the heat and serve their dish.

In ON WRITING, King says:

"At its most basic we are only discussing a learned skill, but do we not agree that sometimes the most basic skills can create things far beyond our expectations? We are talking about tools and carpentry, about words and style . . . but as we move along, you’d do well to remember that we’re also talking about magic."

Magic. Ooga-Ooga. Call it what you will.

King also gave permission to do all the reading and writing my little heart desires. Of late, I’ve been up to my ears in the Internet — promotion, web sites, groups blogging, reading blogs, reading list serves, keeping up with sales and tracking books, MySpace and now Crimespace — and I feel like my writing, and reading, are suffering because of it. This break couldn’t have come at a better time. Last year, when I was in heavy book mode, I shut off my lists, didn’t play on email, and got the work done. I was happy when hubby got home from work because I’d accomplished so much each day. I’m about to go into that mode again. So if you don’t see me around as much, it’s nothing personal. I’ll be doing my blog here, but the rest of the time I’ll be focused on my writing, and catching up on reading. That’s how I write a novel. With a little ooga-ooga on the side.

Wine of the Week: Let’s do a 2003 Clos de L’Obac, a nice Spanish blend of granacha and cabernet sauvignon, with some syrah, merlot and carinena. Yum!

Role Reversal

Julie and I have an untraditional relationship. Julie is my hunter gatherer going out to work everyday whereas I spend half the week at home tapping away at the keyboard, doing the washing and making myself pretty for when she comes home. All this is totally fine with me, even if Julie and her chums call me her “man bitch.”

Our untraditionality (new word—look out for it in conversations near you) took on a different phase the other week. Julie was out of town on business leaving me at home to fend for myself with only Royston and the cats for company. This should have been celebration time. I could be me again. I could do what I liked, when I liked. We have hardwood floors, so I could reenact the scene from Risky Business where Tom Cruise bounces about in his underpants with Bob Seger blasting. I could even get involved in some Risky Business style high jinx involving a hooker and Porsche I didn’t own. Anything could happen when Julie wasn’t around. My underpants and I are unstoppable!

But it didn’t go down like that.

The house was eerily quiet and foreboding without Julie. I lived alone for a number of years before Julie invaded my life, but I felt very vulnerable being on my own at nights.

The animals didn’t help the situation. The cats kept going outside, activating the security lights and when I told them to come in, they were nowhere to be seen. Royston’s ears would prick up at the slightest sound and I’d think—intruder. In the end I got the feeling Royston was messing with me. At any moment, someone (not Julie) was going to burst in and ravage me. It was all very scary. Who wants to be ravaged on a Tuesday night?

It wasn’t long before every clichéd horror movie churned away at the back of my head. I expected a series of threatening phones from a woman with a husky voice telling me to check on the kittens. The cops would trace the call and tell me it was coming from inside the house!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea why I was so jittery. Why the frady cat thing now? I’ll admit I’ve had a lot on my mind, which has left me agitated. Was it that—or something more systemic and more frightening?

Am I losing my manliness?

I’ll be first to admit that I’m not the big, rough, tough type. I’m a bleeder not a fighter. One of the things I look for in a woman is a slower runner. I want to be the one sprinting away from trouble, calling out over my shoulder, “I’ll never forget you, my first wife. Put up a fight for me, my love. Taxi!”

Now that Julie’s back to protect me, I’m taking a philosophical look at our relationship. Have our non-traditional roles changed us? Is she becoming the tough guy in the relationship? Am I getting in touch with my feminine side? I don’t think so. Julie still shrieks at the sight of ants and I still can’t do that towel turban thing that all women seem have genetically programmed. We are still ourselves. Now I must get back to my needlepoint and Julie has to sharpen her chainsaw—that redwood isn’t going to cut itself down.

Yours with soft edges,
Simon Wood
PS: I’m not here. I’m in Toronto for World Horror.

Good Tonic

NAOMI HIRAHARA

Carl Hiassen did it. Walter Mosley did it. Susan McBride is doing it, and so are Lauren Henderson, Sherman Alexie, and Nick Hornby.

Certain critics and publishing players disparage it, and haven’t been shy about expressing their views. What am I talking about? The world of juvenile and YA literature, a universe that I’m entering myself.

Yes, after expressing my fears about leaving my Mas Arai mystery series for an indefinite period of time, I was able to sell my novel for adolescents at the beginning of 2007. My novel was supposed to fall in the category of women’s literature, but as what often happens when I start a project with new characters, the story tugs and pulls me in the direction where it needs to go. The ease of the process depends on if I can surrender and extinguish my personal expectations. So, here, based on the recommendation of my agent after reading my initial three chapters, I’ve followed the voice of my 13-year-old protagonist.

I used to think that my work-in-progress fell in the category of YA (young adult) lit, but apparently it’s MG lit, or middle-grade literature. I’m writing for tweens, 10 to 14 year olds. This is a good age, I think. Teenagers any older may slowly be making their way into grownup literature. At least that’s what I was doing at that age.

I’m the first to tell you that I never expected to write for young people. First of all, I’m totally old school. Many of you know that I recently switched over from Windows 98 to Windows 2003. I don’t own an IPod. I don’t IM or text message. When I worked at my community newspaper, our then high-school intern presented me with her Dope Dictionary (circa 1996) because it was obvious that I was so out of it at the time that I thought dope meant Mary Jane. (In 1996, dope meant cool.)

I’m not whimsical or fantasy oriented. I don’t have children yet. I am playful, however. I’ll be the first to jump onto a swing at the beach, take a whack at the plastic moles at an arcade, go ice skating in the middle of downtown, and bounce around on a trampoline.

There are certainly some social, literary, and economic advantages in appealing to this MG and YA market. While many of us have noticed the graying of our core mystery audience, these readers are the future. They are adolescents and teenagers. Books for young people are powerful; the best have enormous staying power. Certainly all of us have that close connections to early books, whether it be ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT’S ME, MARGARET; FROM THE MIXED UP FILES OF BASIL E. FRANKWEILER; A WRINKLE IN TIME; THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH; the ALL-OF-A-KIND-OF-FAMILY series, etc. It’s no surprise that many of these formidable works are still being sold to young people today.

And aside from the Harry Potter novels and other fantasy books, MG books can be quite short. Forty thousand words, to be exact. In fact, that’s the length that stipulated in my contract, which was received only recently. At the time, I was planning to write a 60,000-word book, but now certain chapters have been compressed and now the manuscript is looking to be 45,000 to 50,000 words.

But more than these factors, I’ve discovered another benefit in entering this genre. Carl Hiassen’s quote on his website captures my sentiments: “Writing for young readers is a tonic for me.”

For me, 2006 was a tough year. We were still recovering from a death in the family at the end of the previous year, and then, as it often happens, we were socked in the stomach with more loss. The pain was tremendous and almost crippling to me personally. Anyone who has met me knows that on the surface I’m a cheery, optimistic person. I like to laugh. I don’t have frown lines. But 2006 hit me hard. I cried frequently—not a few pretty tears, but gut-wrenching sobs. The messy kind that produces red-swollen eyes and plenty of sticky, runny snot.

Angela, my 13-year-old protagonist in my middle school novel, is also experiencing trauma. In the book, 1001 CRANES, her parents are breaking up. She must spend a summer away from her home in Northern California in a working-class suburb called Gardena. She must negotiate certain unfamiliar cultural practices, like the folding of origami cranes for weddings, in midst of the dissolution of her own family unit.

Beginning to explore Angela’s loss wasn’t necessarily cathartic—I don’t believe that writing for pay should come from that place—but I understood her despair in a new way. I respected it.

In 2006 I also wrote three noir stories, darker ones than I’ve ever attempted. My mood certainly helped to develop the tone of these tales. One in particular spilled out quickly; it was one of these stories that wrote itself. I’m considering taking one of those stories and expanding the time period and characters into a standalone novel. It won’t stay at quite the same level of darkness as the short story, however. It will be hard for me to be in that place for a year or longer.

My MG novel is not about silliness and light, but I must admit that it’s been nice to reenter Angela’s world after writing these string of noir stories. It has been good tonic. Despite whatever obstacles are in her way, time is on her side.

YA and MG Lit Resources

One of the wonderful things about writing in a different genre is learning new things, both creatively and business-wise.

The MWA equivalent to this world is the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI). There are some fundamental differences in the setup of these organizations.While SCBWI is for-profit association devoted to the development of children’s book writers and illustrators, MWA is a nonprofit charitable organization devoted to promotion of mysteries.

The SCBWI holds conferences on the East and West coasts, featuring lectures by editors, agents, and experienced authors. I’m hoping to check out the one in August. They also have these monthly regional informal get-togethers in people’s homes.

MWA has its Edgars Award each year, and the American Library Association offers its slew of awards, most notably the Caldecott and Newbery. These are definitely the Oscars for writing for young readers.

You can imagine that there would be a wide range of offerings in terms of blogs and other Internet resources in this genre.

A writer who I will happily meet in person at the inaugural Asian Pacific American Book Festival, Pooja Makhijani, has compiled a great list of blogs, and I can personally attest to the usefulness of A Fuse #8.

A most helpful yahoo group is middle school lit. This is aimed for librarians and teachers, first, and writers, a distant second.

One thing I’ve observed with mystery listservs is many of them degenerate into BSP. Hey, BSP is a necessary evil, but there needs to be a sacred place where readers can post their honest opinions and observations. Here in this yahoo groups, librarians and educators are the primary posters and I appreciate reading their challenges while on the frontlines with our readers.

There are similar yahoo groups for YA writers, but in the interest of time, I haven’t joined them, so I’m unfamiliar with their postings.

And finally, I’m gradually letting go of my skepticism regarding book trailers. In fact, I love the Random House submissions for the inaugural Teen Book Video competition last year. I don’t know if the competition will continued this year, but check out last year’s three finalists.

The Long Goodbye

There’s a long goodbye
And it happens every day
When some passerby
Invites your eye
To come her way

Even as she smiles
A quick hello
You let her go
You let the moment fly
Too late you turn head
You know you’ve said
The long goodbye

Windy branches sigh
Can you recognize the theme
Down some autumn street
Two people meet
As in a dream
Running for a plane
Through the rain
With the heart it’s quicker
Than the eye
They might be lovers
Until they die

It’s too late to try
When a missed hello
Becomes the long goodbye

/Guyot

Motive for Murder

by Pari Noskin Taichert

In the summertime, during New Mexico’s highest fire risk, I have dark fantasies. Most often, they’re sparked by some young woman who throws her still smoldering cigarette butt out of a car window. In spite of my fury, I’ve never imagined murder — not in real life — not with the kids in the car.

I do think about murder when I’m writing, though. The method and the why of it are part of the big puzzle, the challenge in coming up with a "compelling" novel.

And yet, in day-to-day life, most motives are dreadfully mundane, cliche.

There’s greed, revenge, betrayal and perversion. That’s about it. (Please set me straight in the comments section, if I’m missing a category.)

Each one of these can be fleshed out:

Greed
for money, security, property, human "property" (custody battles, loverships), desire for recognition/fame, downfall or defense of business, religious/cultural domination

Betrayal/Perceived betrayal
jealousy, crimes of passion, distrust, childhood scarring, drug deals gone bad, domestic violence

Perversion
personal satisfaction (here’s where we meet the psychos and sociopaths — the stars of many serial killer novels)

Revenge/Vengeance
alot of gang-related stuff would go here, road rage, religious conflict

I wasn’t quite sure where to put WAR. IMHO, this phenomenon usually has to do with one of the motives above such as greed (territory), revenge (religious conflict).

If my categories are generally true, I think they show that people aren’t that creative when it comes to rationalizing reasons to off each other. At least, that’s how it looks to me.

So why do I feel obligated to come up with new motives, to be inventive? To dress up reality?

That’s the strange thing. The majority of real-life crimes — though horrid in their aftermath — are boring in their moment. I’m thinking of the prison guard in southern New Mexico who hired a hitman to kill his wife. He paid the guy $250 because he was "tired" of her. Nothing big. Nothing fancy.

No editor would EVER accept that as a motive. There would have to be more. But, folks, there wasn’t.

Most crime is like that. When I pick up the local newspaper, I find small stories — crimes committed by unremarkable people who become interesting because of a single act.

We writers embellish and weave marvelous stories from the smallest ember. But why does fiction have to be larger than life?

Or, does it?

The Fall of Rome

By Mike MacLean

My heart is heavy.

The last episode of Rome airs tonight. It was a fantastic show, unparalleled in its depictions of bloodshed, sex, and political intrigue. It out-Sopranoed the Sopranos and gave us a history lesson in the bargain. Rome will be missed.

I know, I know; it was only a TV show. There are plenty more out there, some great ones even. But Rome was something special, and its passing has me feeling five shades of blue.

Only one thing can lift my spirits. A list. God help me, how I love the lists.

TOP TEN CURRENT TV SHOWS

(In no particular order.)

1. Rome

2. Heroes

3. 30 Rock (Alec Baldwin is insanely funny. And has anyone noticed that SNL sucks this year? ("D!%K in a Box" notwithstanding) Could it be the show has gone downhill as a result of Tina Fey’s departure, one of their top writers? So wait…writing actually makes a difference in quality? Who knew?)

4. My Name is Earl

5. The Office

6. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (I pray to the heathen television gods to give this show another chance.)

7. The Daily Show

8. Veronica Mars (Mars is proof that TV is as good as it’s ever been. The fact that it might be on the chopping block, to be replaced by The Pussy Cat Dolls, is proof that TV is also as bad as it has ever been.)

9. BattleStar Galactica

10. Lost (I’m still hooked, but I have fears that all the plot twists will lead absolutely nowhere. Ultimately the show may be…"Full of Sound and Fury signifying nothing.")

So let’s hear it Murder fans. What are your picks?